November is here... 2020 what a year!.we have a Tory governmentrun by a privileged set of gaffers from Eton in charge of UK, who at a time when we need more connection and to work together are determined in selfish acts to perpetuate their wealth and a no deal Brexit looms, USA is full of hate exacerbated by a man who is president that could make me loose all hope in humanity....covid 19 virus has been the global priority ,or ? smoke screen for the powerfull to literally get away with murder,since the beginning of 2020...A lot of us revisited the discomfort and did 'the work' to understand the engrained white supremacy that Black Lives Matter and activists have hammered home makes inequality prejudice and discrimination a given...it's a year for facing all the skeletons in your closet and starting to take action in small steps to gather up the bones and make something with them....although my circle of influence is pretty frustrating I'm up for giving it a go.
I've so much to feel grateful for and with a daily metta and gratitude meditation I sit with the daily anxiety that swooshes in and threatens to change my life and behaviour and sabotages me from being my best self! Im journal about my inner landscape and art my way to some sort of sanity most days and when I don't practice some sort of inner practice it I feel it and am close to loosing the plot ...so grateful to all the friends,artists,yogis,alternative thinkers,musicians and the great mother earth and all that natural world out there on our doorstep to be savoured and how this whisks us into the moment and allows us to be truly present with all that is life.Im going to find a way of flicking through some of the journals in here to celebrate coming so far.
Mainly I'm celebrating that I did it.... I retired from the nhs... Over 35 years of nursing in adult and children's nursing a spell on intensive care and then in the community with famillies...its a strange career that I am slightly ashamed to say I put before my family on many occasions (or nearly broke under the pressure and expectation of myself to care for both!) but I've grown through it and now I can see I'm no longer willing to do that...and the pandemic has well and truly put this into perspective for me. In my experience the individuals working so bloody hard all over throughout this pandemic have in the most been well and truly shafted cleaners, security staff, supermarket staff, AA men, ambulance drivers, all sorts of front line staff and yes my nhs colleagues on a lot of levels..but hey I've chosen to return for a few days a week ... being in service to others is a hardwiring I am withdrawing from gradually.....strange as it is! clever isn't it 'social conditioning' 🤔 Ive just come to the end of a whole month off of unpaid leave to rest before I go back and next is assessing how long I can continue to workr..although I must say where I work it is pretty good and I am in part of happy to return for a while..however no furlough or wage increases for our nhs just pressure .... the emotional clapping on the doorstep that made me cringe and feel so sad as I suspected I knew what this government has in store for a service I have been so proud to be a part of.I'm so grateful to have the choice to leave now I'm officially retired!
I still am aware businesses will be manipulating this difficult during the pandemic what I saw in the first wave was distressing to say the least. The low paid frontline staff of big organizations 'manning the forts' whilst in a lot of cases high paid managers furloughed...these are crazy days and theres a lot to be learnt... although those in more powerful places will always seek to further there own needs and have done throughout time...I send my heartfelt wishes out there that this will change ....the second wave sees the self employed are up in arms about their economic wellbeing about only being paid 80% their wage by the government,others face unemployment.To be honest I see people in my working life that live on a tiny fraction of the sort of money some businesses and individuals are receiving as a furloughed wage it's such a strange time I struggle with people's expectations in this capitalist society in which we live and the self perpetuating greedy business world and selfishness ... I'm trying to opt out a bit but it's hard so I guess more understanding is needed as everyone has a different reality...It's all about... and the impact of grief and having a circle a community to mourn this with human connection kindness ...so many additional beloveds have lost their lives in this pandemic... but so many do in the wars waged in other countries and I can't help but have a head full of contradictions and weirdness when I think about this....niw we are aware of the struggles of those already in poverty and marginalised and the heightened mental health and issues around risk and vulnerabilities...If I think to deeply about this my head hurts .. I'm reminded that this has always happened throughout history in the 'human race' who selfishly overtake and destroy nature and forget that living in harmony with the great mother and each other is the innate purpose of life ... but I guess I'm in the mix there somwhere and on a journey to live with more awareness that real happiness is found when we can let go and try to live more like this in our small lives and limited circle if influence ... I am a nobody and although embrace the nothingness and vulnerability that would make harmony truly possible am caught up in the desires and need to survive in this strange world but my purpose is to find so e balance in all of that.... a strange time we are living in...but also a privileged time.My ancestors whispered this to me under that blue full moon in the 31st and said "you've never been soo free Carol" ..I have hope we can 'all' be kind and Ive experienced some really lovely examples of generosity and kindness in the circles I'm so grateful to be exposed to.Most importantly I've also been kind to myself with growth in how I attend to my self care awareness,boundaries and strategies allowing me to flow more freely with love towards others...the balance works both ways. Will find ways to pay it forward 💛.
