Fear

Emeli Sandé - Where I Sleep (Last.fm Sessions)

show n tell art journal pages

Well a busy weekend that was... lots of joyous energy...where I am proud to say i managed to stay centred probably until yesterday when tiredness n trigger conversation with mum caused a little splurge of irritation n annoyance better known as good old anger!  my angry rebellious child surfaced momentarily to protect my wee frightened inner babe before being soothed by a little creative time this morning ... the good ole drama triangle pulls me in once again... but not for long.... fleeting feelings needing to be acknowledged and processed .... dealing with high as a kiteness energy and the 'new shiny expectation' n imaginings the weekend seems to have presented to my lovely mum and her forgetfullness that I am her daughter also and that the stuff my lovely sis went through as a child is ditto for me! ..... it was hard to feel I could hold that space for her when i felt the churning in my chest n gut of past pain tempered only with the relief and gratitude to the counselling n courage I know has led in some way to my healing and accepting it .. nursing my wee hurt little inner child and trying to present an adult self was challenging but hey I did OK n ok is good enough "i choose unconditional love n hope over pain n expectation" ... grateful, loved n supported thankyou universe x

A little creative time phew....

O.k back to work tomorrow after a pretty energetic although tiring weekend doing lovely family type stuff and thoughtfully trying not to dwell on my sad feelings... unpicking them and accepting 'what is' re framing 'what was' the flashback type memories and sadness and struggles that sit just below the surface as lighter observations and fleeting visitors rather than allowing them to take residence !...Struggling with my ego a little as it is making making more of the 'sad' but accepted fact that I continue to grieve for the relationship I don't have with my sister I do love her unconditionally but have to not have any expectation of her in return for that love......i've to accept I take some responsibility in this....it's a sort of haunting my ego likes to me expose me to every now and again and it gets less with every time I hurt from my thoughts about it! after the weekend I may struggle for a few days or perhaps a great weight will start to be lifted who knows ? and I'm choosing LOVE .. and if stuff lingers for me then hey its just more journal fodder in letting go of it... for a few days my heart has been aching for some creative comfort....spent the day preparing body n soul for the next two days in which I will squeeze possibly a weeks worth work into 2 days! not looking forward to it and wondering if I don't manage it does it really matter? probably not actually sometimes its the pressure we put on ourselves and the fear of not living up to what 'we think' others expect of us ... and you know it is not real..... So listening to a little of Jack's 'Harder than Easy' sittin with the darkness a little...before shining a light on it! ''Loved and supported on this journey''

Turbulent Tuesday

ok so back to the stormin' today at glorious work....have a chocolate parcel to send to Mel and my Rachel Joyce book to take and I intend not to work through my dinner hour ....yep i am there again I must be workin' around a ten hour day with these new working hours and I'm fed up that was not my understanding if it or the organisations !....and am up at crack of dawn because that's my routine at the moment to try to grab some sanity out of the day with a bit of meditation and some lovely stretchy Yoga....thankyou Kula without your little sanctuary I wouldn't have the 'where with all' to know that's a key strategy to calming the anxiety that comes with high winds n rough seas and the odd barkin' sea dog ah arr Jim Lad! So I seem to be out of that sad and rather exhausted  reaction I often experience with 'change'  the necessary stage where I actually then seem to move onto planning to regain some control of the day, question why I am sooo fearful and forgive myself for the odd verbal altrication with the sea dogs that are very good at getting their needs met whilst my needs go flouncing out to sea with the debris of the ship wreck.. in the storm.....I notice a lot and I'm stormin' tooo so its ok although worrying about my behaviour perhaps means I might need to address it!... I am watchin' a cool crisp dawn break the birds are singing  and the smooth waft of some yummy sunrise incense is warming my soul ....'MY REALITY' and the rest if the day just a performance and game! My alarm has just gone sooo time to get mi life jacket wellies n sowester.....live love n laugh xxxx

....mondays tune....

Missy Higgins - Set Me On Fire [Official video]: http://youtu.be/RP6USSSmXis

music reminders.....

Between The Minds: http://youtu.be/PIJ4DRSH63Y

.....

Mix - Rufus Wainwright - Across The Universe: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cAe1lVDbLf0&list=RDcAe1lVDbLf0

just a reminder .....

Mix - Sheryl Crow - Everyday Is A Winding Road: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khrx-zrG460&list=RDkhrx-zrG460