From spewing love to fire - perimenopasal madness

Well..... from spewing words and emotion to gushing in a more physical sense....any self awareness around my patterns in health have just been trumped by the worst 5 days of perimenapasal happenings and a shameful 'rage' that ensued following some banta from my beloved! I've always had an inner hormonal rollercoaster that has underpinned a lot of life happenings, emotional states and probs...However this has to be the worst 'ride' since the decline of my thyroid (which probably started around the time I started this blog if not before...6 years or so ago).
Am now popping thyroxine, iron and  norethistrone and feel physically incapacitated !
So this little ditty hit the page...
A 'man with a womb' a 'womb with a man' the female disposition is a powerful one..
For someone soooo kind and committed to peace can suddenly turn into a raging beast!
Memories of hormones when I was young and the shame of the moments when ferrel they ran
When crockery flies after a disagreement and people get broken in a heated moment.
It's been so long since that physiological rage and then out of the blue it revisited after 5 bloody awful days...
Timing and respect had been well and truly flaunted the consequence of which my beloved wouldn't have ever wanted...
Once it is started its hard to switch off Mantras and breathing  all well and good but when 'fight and flight' is caught up in the mix beware those I love leave me alone till its fixed...
Escalation is massive in my cazzy head and no sources or attempts to make good can help when this volcano errupts..
I do feel I'm sorry and now we've made it all up and I'm past feeling shameful cos I really was pushed not by my beloved (shit timing aside) but my perimenapausal chemistry unseen but flowing inside...
End of ditty! and in my journal it goes there's a double spread in red for this one!

Solution: accept that this may not be able to be overcome by naturopathy alone!  Hunt out some forums and commit to pushing through with some yoga,meditation and breathe breathe breathe breathe and sleep as much as needed .....it's hard because it's hard....still love my life just a bit disillusioned with the high expectations I have for my aging body! Look and feel 100 years old today!!!

and more....

Gosh so many of my journals over the years host pages of words spewing forth the love that I believe underpins our relationship, Chella....
..of course it's not always been easy...he's  hung in there helping me find my way through it all.. and me him..he's often the one who suggests something that has taken my healing to the next level.... hey and he's the first to admit there's no perfect although I'd argue he's 'my perfect' soul mate.. I've added more to those pages over the last few weeks....
'You're my evergreen love....enduring all seasons...
When I blow cool you prepare to button down the hatches for  my wild hurricane and then let it surround you.....in my stone coldness your warm willful love irresistibly wakes me up and brings me back to life melting all thats frosty and forlorn.... a breather perhaps as the cool air passes over your shoulders and my sun emerges bright and glorious full of energy and it has you itching to catch me up!... and soon the burn of the fire  ...oh our glowing hearts...the searing heat passing through your smooth constant psyche ...I heard you holler "Whoooaaa" but you always ride along for a while until like children we topple off... burnt,a little frazzled and smiling....oh my the  summers of crazy energies and moods sooo high... and now these are our glory days of autumn my love... going slowly watching the beauty of endings and the inevitable renewal that turns out beautifully sleepy days where the sunshine and cold winds dance .....  that bite in the air as we walk in perfect time together....  your eyes are always full of our glorious autumn"

And it doesn't end anytime sooooon..

"Sometimes I find I'm obsessed with your form......can you feel it?
I stroke my hands over your muscular frame and think thoughts of love in those dark sleepless nights and smile at the snores!
Stirred by the memories of those young gently lustful nights when we stirred in our dreamy state and we're held in union surrounded by smouldering  love... we never denied ourselves that ... its sensually pleasing experience  is etched in my memory and right now is my 'go to' bathing me in a heavenly glow....
And when I curl myself next to you and your warm sleeping body and I say 'this is how I want to be buried' I do remember our souls are as one so what would it matter how we be buried?..but I like to say it because right now I love this physical existence with you and my body and mind appreciates you sooo much and in this place awake or sleeping I am sure it is my right place to be....by your side"

JUST ONE MORE

"Love is a choice.... and believe me you made that choice an easy one, steady sensual presence, sweet and boy like wonderings and those wise and tolerant stand offs... I love it when you stand firm in your own quiet persona.... you wear your emotions just the same as any heart covered sleeve....I see them, I read them and get them...my earth angel, my wise man,my lover, my Chel.....the choice was such an easy one... my love "....

OK done for now!

Spewing forth

Gosh I love my imperfect life but have this melingering sadness sat in me....I can troop along as things are OK! The energy in the world is on the cusp of something a bit surreal me thinks...however I'm content in my mediocre existence....and rather than rambling on I'm sharing bits of my journal that seem OK to share. I've been writing lots n lots n lots.. I cant sleep until Ive 'spewed' words out onto paper at the moment....never fancy words just reflective half sentences in gratitude n love alongside a the wee cynical analysis of my sweet mediocre existence.... and I'm enjoying trying to establish a routine of some meditation and chanting...!!! I've let that critical voice 'shouting me down' during  my last experience of meditation gooooo and tried again it's having the desired effect just gotta make it a habit! Soooo world on the cusp of something I'm not hiding but I cannot pretend to be something I'm not ...so spewing away in solitude is my ceiling....
"When my body is weak and my soul smiles at it....
When home is the sanctuary I call sleep...and it's silence wraps itself around me bathing every tender sinew and cell of my being....the divine glows and is all that gets me through ... warmly greeting me at my centre reassuring me gracefully that it resides here...whispering that we will all make it through the darkness by connecting to its beauty.. reminding me we are all evolving through healing , by leaving life , sharing our gifts and lighting the path of the journey forth...."

https://youtu.be/tx7pbLLhYoc