Self care alert.... and then self care of course

A few weeks ago I started this post it saved but didn't post : "I'm sat in bed with 2 'rounds' of cut loaf wholemeal toast soaked in butter feeling comforted by the memory of my 'granpa G' .... and I'm mindful of a) the fact that this health pattern is so much a part of my life b) the there's overwhelming evidence that my emotional and physical health are the same thing ...of course we all know that c) that when sad comes just stay with sad it's o.k.  .....d) you don't have to deal with all the thoughts just pop a filter on for today...
Always in a rush to try to distract myself from my feelings but sitting with sad today and physical virus...yes it can feel pretty overwhelming..So I'm a bit poorly but it isn't terminal ( and if it were I know I've had such an amazing few months I think I'd die a happy woman...but I'm pretty sure it isnt and I'm very grateful for that😀 ...really really grateful as I've seen so much loss,sadness and life limitedness it isn't something I want to make light of😑)...anyway its a bit lonely sometimes or feels that way but I think that's what sadness does it kinda makes you want and need to withdraw and although I'm in bed I'm not staying there because part of my self care along with rest and taking time is that I have to go out and breathe some air and look at the sky...."

.....sooo finished art and drew tears galore....I felt sad... I read Fernando Pessoa...and started Britt Marie and indulged in the cranky old lady that had built walls and behaviour to protect herself from the deepest if griefs .I wrote poems about tears but don't think I cried a lot just felt a little watery....

Sensitivity alert...

....sensitive not about everything but about being 'stage managed' by 2 of the lovelies I've felt grateful, to call close friends, for over 30 years...I will let it go eventually but something they did and kept a big secret has made me soooo sad😔 even though it was a beautiful secret.... It's a bit of a wakeup call as although I love them and always will its made me examine their expectations of me... their actions seem to make them 2 even closer but actually exclude me more than Ive ever felt before 😕.... and yes ive always felt the pecking order places me '3rd' and accepted it but I fear I've lost something I placed such a lot of value on and its creating such sadness... .....but it's not breaking me and it might have done a few years ago.😃...again I am anaemic and a little energy less so I'm trying to take that into consideration! I've also allowed myself to have my laid back and hey don't mind me persona for so long so accept some responsibility for how Im perceived.😐 There's some shadow in there though in that the love and gratitude I feel about their friendship leads to a discomfort I feel about my deeperself and makes me revisit those deeper held beliefs that I hold about me...and that is that 'Im just not good enough to have them as friends' 😕 what is that all about! ...although I'm aware they're really high achieving individuals with different material values it's never really phased me cos were also all so sensitive, committed to being empathic and compassionate..and my heart has always held them close based on those shared values plus I knew them before they were 'high flyers'..but I'm not sure they value me at all anymore😢.....being sooo grateful for their friendship has generated a strange perspective to how I feel about the relationship.. a sort of I will do and accept anything (heck I love these guyz)....and one of the friends has definitely showed signs of drifting away from me for sometime and this particular secret has kinda made that a lot worse for me.The awful thing is im not sure that they both dont actually know this! and when I overthink that it really does hurt! I prefer to think they just got carried away with their plans! and the fact it was 'a secret' and it wasn't about me it was a very special event in one of the friends lives and she was responsible for not wanting to include a lot of people not just me soo i want to say let it go but shadow keeps looming over me saying otherwise! ..THEY are wonderful human beings😊 When I'm over thinking it I feel like its a sort of immense test of our friendship when really ITS JUST THE WAY IT IS 😯 I'm trying to let go of this 'deep bond' I keep overthinking and I'm accepting its a 'lighter love' and I'm feeling better already .... and I'm letting go of the fact that my one 'very beautiful friend' who has everything,achieves such a lot has an amazingness in her life of 'mahusive heights' but is still often 'deeply unhappy' and has less capacity to connect with me authentically and needs a lot of comfort from the other truly amazing 'compassionate adorable intelligent' friend and I'm accepting it was all never really unconditional even though I thought it was and ☺ Ive managed to say it made me sad to my lovely compassionate friend and she didnt give me a slap!😆....so  I needs 'my wee softee' of a girl to wake up and smell the coffee (whilst giving her hug of course ) ..hey its all still love anyway 😘but she's learnt something kinda grown up about this conditional world we live in xxx