4.30 a.m. calls

A few hot flashes tonight and an increased awareness of a root issue that I want to art out in my shadow journal.I know my hardwiring comes from my childhood of learning I had to be responsible from a very young age and its cool... I get it.. but ive a real desire to art in an onion layered layout in respect of how some of my major life experiences have created the way I 'feel' things and the 'patterns of thought' and 'behaviour' they give rise tooo... sooo this weekend I'm sat with fear in the main....fear around the family history of suicide and the addictive personality traits of a lot of us females in the family, some anxiety rushes through me when I think of mum and my perception of her 'withdrawal from whats happening' around my cousins death.I revisit the well understood feelings and self doubt that I should've in some way done more for all those I've lost including some of my patients and my babies. . but it's tempered with a knowing that I couldn't and the guilt does not get in the way of my loving myself the individuals I've lost and wanting to honour them.Im also really grateful for sharing yoga with Julia (especially ....thankyou sweetie) and a new group of people at the course I'm going to and if course the mutual love shared with my Chel....however here I am at 4.30 a.m. with my cat sat on my meditation cushion with a hot cacoa n almond hey its already sounding like another slice of heaven  .... thankyou for my life and my ever evolving human journey...peri menapause is proving to be a rather enlightening experience.. time to draw n journal a little xxx