A New Moon of potential ... Go for It

New Moon in Aries and mercury in retrograde (until May 15th) and Ive been reflecting and coming to some intention setting with my daily practices. As the springtime energies rise there's a real embodied  awareness that there's movement of a refreshing energy pulsing through the internal landscape as well as the external one.Even in todays rain the tulips look vibrant reds and yellows and I can gaze in wonder at the buds on my mini Magnolia and see the potential of my hardy annual poppies in the lush green of their distinct foliage... If I were to update my human journey I'd simply express that I am ascending the levels beautifully! After retiring and reducing working to a couple of days a month I completed the Yoga Teacher Training course and along with my other nourishing practices I have been cultivating over many years my slow journey back to source is flowing. 

Milestone catch up!

 November is here... 2020 what a year!.we have a Tory governmentrun by a privileged set of gaffers from Eton in charge of UK, who at a time when we need more connection and to work together are determined in selfish acts to perpetuate their wealth and a no deal Brexit looms, USA is full of hate exacerbated by a man who is president that could make me loose all hope in humanity....covid 19 virus has been the global priority ,or ? smoke screen for the powerfull to literally get away with murder,since the beginning of 2020...A lot of us revisited the discomfort and did 'the work' to understand the engrained white supremacy that Black Lives Matter and activists have hammered home makes inequality prejudice and discrimination a given...it's a year for facing all the skeletons in your closet and starting to take action in small steps to gather up the bones and make something with them....although my circle of influence is pretty frustrating I'm up for giving it a go.

I've so much to feel grateful for and with a daily metta and gratitude meditation I sit with the daily anxiety that swooshes in and threatens to change my life and behaviour and sabotages me from being my best self!  Im journal about my inner landscape and art my way to some sort of sanity most days and when I don't practice some sort of inner practice it I feel it and am close to loosing the plot ...so grateful to all the friends,artists,yogis,alternative thinkers,musicians and the great mother earth and all that natural world out there on our doorstep to be savoured and how this whisks us into the moment and allows us to be truly present with all that is life.Im going to find a way of flicking through some of the journals in here to celebrate coming so far.

Mainly I'm celebrating that I did it.... I retired from the nhs... Over 35 years of nursing in adult and children's nursing a spell on intensive care and then in the community with famillies...its a strange career that I am slightly ashamed to say I put before my family on many occasions (or nearly broke under the pressure and expectation of myself to care for both!) but I've grown through it and now I can see I'm no longer willing to do that...and the pandemic has well and truly put this into perspective for me. In my experience the individuals working so bloody hard all over throughout this pandemic have in the most been well and truly shafted cleaners, security staff, supermarket staff, AA men, ambulance drivers, all sorts of front line staff and yes my nhs colleagues on a lot of levels..but hey I've chosen to return for a few days a week ... being in service to others is a hardwiring I am withdrawing from gradually.....strange as it is! clever isn't it 'social conditioning' 🤔 Ive just come to the end of a whole month off of unpaid leave to rest before I go back and next is assessing how long I can continue to workr..although I must say where I work it is pretty good and I am in part of happy to return for a while..however no furlough or wage increases for our nhs just pressure .... the emotional clapping on the doorstep that made me cringe and feel so sad as I suspected I knew what this government has in store for a service I have been so proud to be a part of.I'm so grateful to have the choice to leave now I'm officially retired!

I still am aware businesses will be manipulating this difficult during the pandemic what I saw in the first wave was distressing to say the least. The low paid frontline staff of big organizations  'manning the forts' whilst in a lot of cases high paid managers furloughed...these are crazy days and theres a lot to be learnt... although those in more powerful places will always seek to further there own needs and have done throughout time...I send my heartfelt wishes out there that this will change ....the second wave sees the self employed are up in arms about their economic wellbeing about only being paid 80% their wage by the government,others face unemployment.To be honest I see people in my working life that live on a tiny fraction of the sort of money some businesses and individuals are receiving as a furloughed wage it's such a strange time I struggle with people's expectations in this capitalist society in which we live and the self perpetuating greedy business world and selfishness ... I'm trying to opt out a bit but it's hard so I guess more understanding is needed as everyone has a different reality...It's all about...  and the impact of grief and having a circle a community to mourn this with human connection kindness ...so many additional beloveds have lost their lives in this pandemic... but so many do in the wars waged in other countries and I can't help but have a head full of contradictions and weirdness when I think about this....niw we are aware of the struggles of those already in poverty and marginalised and the heightened mental health and issues around risk and vulnerabilities...If I think to deeply about this my head hurts .. I'm reminded that this has always happened throughout history in the 'human race' who selfishly overtake and destroy nature and forget that living in harmony with the great mother and each other is the innate purpose of life  ... but I guess I'm in the mix there somwhere and on a journey to live with more awareness that real happiness is found when we can let go and try to live more like this in our small lives and limited circle if influence ... I am a nobody and although embrace the nothingness and vulnerability that would make harmony truly possible am caught up in the desires and need to survive in this strange world but my purpose is to find so e balance in all of that.... a strange time we are living in...but also a privileged time.My ancestors whispered this to me under that blue full moon in the 31st and said "you've never been soo free Carol"  ..I have hope we can 'all' be kind and Ive experienced some really lovely examples of generosity and kindness in the circles I'm so grateful to be exposed to.Most importantly I've also been kind to myself with growth in how I attend to  my self care awareness,boundaries and strategies allowing me to flow more freely with love towards others...the balance works both ways. Will find ways to pay it forward 💛.

Amazon Rainforest Fires - Avoid This Trap

Winter Solstice 2018 Total Yoga Nidra

....and breathe Blessed Samhaim

Back on the wagon....

Hello sweet morning practice....ive missed you sooo much..💛

Introspectoration

Attending n reflecting on 'humanbeingness'

A lot is happening around us all ....'humanbeingness' in transition gosh its a surreal world at the moment...and will be for a long time I feel..so what to do with oneself when potentially feeling sadenned and helpless about the state of the world? The death of children all iver tge world the brainwashing and marginalising if very vulnerable human beings and some of the most powerful blinkered politicians running infecting the worlds wound even more....Focus on the positive? the helpers the artists, musicians and some politicians do get that we cannot put up walls and become silos!  so much sense and love can come through their dialogue...whilst not diregarding the negative ...meditate and let fear and any strong emotions pass ...avoid overanalysing and overidentifying with an awareness of how polarising this can be .... but empathise yes really think what it might be like for all not just the groups and communities we see ourselves as being a part if...meditate and breathe send love out into the world being mindful that loving and healing oneself might be all one can do  sometimes and if we stand together in love perhaps we can start to heal this gaping wound we have in our world in 'humanbeingness' eventually.

The 'sweetlife' of the brighter seasons

Life is amazingly sweet at the moment weve just had full moon for May ...I was emotional and tired with this one.. when i was hoping for a surge in energy as I had with the April one..Of course it all  passes but its lovely relishing this here and now of scrumptiousness.I have my rose tinted spectacles propped up on my head but am not actually viewing the world through them ..at the moment there's a lot of stuff going on in the world that needs out attention, love and healing and I'm accepting responsibility for healing me and continuing to be healthy whilst in service of others...I've potentially 3 more years to go before early retirement...I can do this!
I'm grateful for :
The stage of life I''m at....its odd saying that because I don't sleep sooo good due to the hot flushes but I've surrendered to this as a given and the strains of life (namely working life)...I may fluff myself up and give my ego a stage at a later date but being a women no longer feeling as if I'm 'bleeding to death' (its been nearly 6 months...although I'm as prepared as possible if it happens again!) and still relishing my creative cycle in tune with full and new moons is liberating.Negativity can creep in every now and again when put pressure on myself to be who I'm not and/or I compare myself to the aesthetically pleasing material world and its values for women and I've to check in spiritually to balance that.I have the odd moments of a relapse into mind numbing distraction but more often than not I'm taking myself off to my yoga mat or listening to some beautiful chants or devotional music to keep me on track I'm evolving and creating a different reality I think....not a bubble to contain myself in but daily practices rooted in stillness,breathing and generating a strength that honours my truth... I believe all of us can nurture this in ourselves in one way or another and Im content that I'm exploring this at only half a century young (nooooo not giving myself a hard time at not doing it when I was younger, there were other things to heal and build then ).
May is going to be a gentle month where I take stock, build on my home yoga and meditation practice and sleep early to improve my health and stamina for June...gosh June is mapped out to be an amazingly adventurous month....I'm going on a retreat on my own!...Yes I'm excited yes a little apprehensive but I am doing it...and I'm honouring myself as a woman and all that has gone before me by doing it ...its my own little right of passage into this next stage of life.

Friends and healers in my life...especially the holistic health boosters courtesy from my lovely friend and acupuncturist Cheryl and homeopathy from a lovely ex work colleague Linda and a new kundalini yoga practice that I'm journeying on. Relationships are funny old things I'm feeling the love but not conditional love ...Loving mum isn't hard..my bond with her is un breakable and am sooo grateful to her for sooo much but she's my mirror for all that I find fault for in myself and my dark childhood experiences and the baggage I still carry with me that I continue to open up to and touch with gentleness and acceptance..It isn't easy for me to recognise it as that but that is what it is when I feel triggered or confused or upset.

Myself for taking care of me I've such a young niave spirit that needs a lot of taking care of inside me as an adult sometimes she comes to me when I meditate and I have to pause and just let her sit with me and breathe with her have a little cry with her and reassure she's loved and its all gonna be o.k. ...we are o.k.
I still art a lot and its my true way of expressing myself...words and communicating with others is possible but I'm never sure anyone really gets me...there's always stuff in the way 'agendas ' their stuff, my stuff, not enough time, them having to give me instructions tell me what to to do and My not wanting to say noooo but being aware of my boundaries and I'm better than ever at thinking about balancing my needs or at least saying I'll give it a go but may have to hollar whoooa (hey little people pleaser whatever happened to you ?)I love the wmen I see in the groups I go to they're lovely folks and they make my world too.The Belly dance class is a hoot and such a lovely way to move and be with other women...Zumba bumba (I call it that because I am 50 something and do a bit more bumba than zumba sometimes ) is fab toooo there's some amazing women 60 plus  doing it I love these gatherings of all abilities,ages,shapes and sizes I can feel a part of that ...its beautiful.


My awareness of the Challenges.What is a challenge is the challenge of extreme thinking patterns that are evident in this crazy world and how we heal or contribute to the bringing together of the human race and mother earth and nature rather than perpetuating all the separateness...gosh there's  lot more to it than that I know I'm no economist and I'm here on this little Island living my life where I've a roof over my head and food in my belly and a job, I've raised my child and count my blessings and accept the other stuff because its part of this life but I don't live in a war zone, I'm not persecuted, I can live alongside otherness that respects the human rights of others and generally fosters kindness and compassion as central to its values...is that changing? I will have my say and we will all be voting again on this little Island for what it is worth...and please universe can there be a chink of light breaking through here...this world we ive is should be getting smaller with more connectivity not separated to perpetuate those that have wealth .... but we all see stuff differently so whatever comes next comes next......

Haseya by Ajeet Kaur - Official Music Video

Spirit Voyage 40 Day Global Sadhana: Free Your Spirit Ajeet Kaur - Full ...

BBQ UNDER A WAXING GIBBOUS

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.ahihi.photocollage

Mothers day

Mothers day....im mindfull that  everyday id like to be mindful of 'mother' liness and feel the connection to the mother in the wider universe the earth and myself and others...its more than simply one day and a superficial way of celebrating although dont get me wrong thats gooood toooo ... sooo this year.. this weekend has been a few days of the whole cycle of mother and creativity ive loved all if it and today is my 'nest day'....where i sit in one if my restorative spaces nurture myself with tea meditation and some journalling and drawing .....after a great 2 days of full on company... beautiful company on a womens quest retreat day, a Jack Savoretti concert and meal with my gorgeous boys....and to.orrow i will be honouring my own mother and spending time being with her....Now im listening to Haseya in my pyjamas burning some Nag champs feeling 'home' this is the amazingness of ageing and evolving into the croan i adore being over 50 years old it is the coming of wiseness and a peaceful inner world Ive only ever dreamt of as being possible .....Happy Mothers Day Universe.... gratitude overflows in this weee soul xxx

This link is on repeat and is my fave for the week

https://youtu.be/uIpUM_ngNes

Heaven on earth

Gosh just settling nicely after all that has passed.Sharons funeral...poorly spells, confused psyche,observing the crazy world.....'beam me up Scotty' .... listening to some lovely music this morning managed a short morning ritual of gentle spine warming kundalini interspersed with meditative moments and some warrior asanas...in my fleecy PJ'S with the patio doors open the cold inter air on my face and yes the sun shining.....thankyou univerze this is a slice of heaven on earth I want to tuck away into the memory box in my mind to return to when discombobulated...grateful for this precious life xxxc

4.30 a.m. calls

A few hot flashes tonight and an increased awareness of a root issue that I want to art out in my shadow journal.I know my hardwiring comes from my childhood of learning I had to be responsible from a very young age and its cool... I get it.. but ive a real desire to art in an onion layered layout in respect of how some of my major life experiences have created the way I 'feel' things and the 'patterns of thought' and 'behaviour' they give rise tooo... sooo this weekend I'm sat with fear in the main....fear around the family history of suicide and the addictive personality traits of a lot of us females in the family, some anxiety rushes through me when I think of mum and my perception of her 'withdrawal from whats happening' around my cousins death.I revisit the well understood feelings and self doubt that I should've in some way done more for all those I've lost including some of my patients and my babies. . but it's tempered with a knowing that I couldn't and the guilt does not get in the way of my loving myself the individuals I've lost and wanting to honour them.Im also really grateful for sharing yoga with Julia (especially ....thankyou sweetie) and a new group of people at the course I'm going to and if course the mutual love shared with my Chel....however here I am at 4.30 a.m. with my cat sat on my meditation cushion with a hot cacoa n almond hey its already sounding like another slice of heaven  .... thankyou for my life and my ever evolving human journey...peri menapause is proving to be a rather enlightening experience.. time to draw n journal a little xxx

https://youtu.be/6D42PE52W-I

My prayer for you

A mothers prayer for all us girls in my family but especially for my cousin Sharon who will soon join her mum and dad in peace ....... she knows she's loved and she can let go of all that held her body and mind in pain in this earthly life ...she has a gentle fun loving soul who only wanted love like all of do and my childhood memories of her as an innocent wee girl fill me with sadness that her life wasn't different, she was a pretty little orchid, but I can accept this sadness and replace it with love...and I love her now and for eternity. "https://play.google.com/music/m/T7c3jjvoq3446z4zeqsl4ldxi3i?t=Puta_Mata_Ki_Asees_-_Nirinjan_Kaur

Gratefully neuralgic to life?

Well I am pretty Neuralgic in the facial department at the moment around 4 days of worsening pain in waves throughout the day.... "would like to cry like a wee babe'  when I allow myself to dwell on whether I am just allergic to life? Well suffering and pain is all part of being human so I am surrendering as I can't do anything else...and I feel it will be transitory.. I'm hopeful it will be ....I've rustled up some aconite my wheat pack and the love from my good man (Chella you're my hero lovey).
Am sooo grateful for all that this year has brought even if I don't see the clock chime at midnight in a jolly way with prosecco and old langsym I'm still 'psychically' welcoming 2017... I'm grateful for:
-The energy Ive had this year to live my life fully such a lot of the time..
-The courage generated to take the risk to move workplace.
-The opportunities I've had for rubbing shoulders with like minded folks,healers,talented artist,old friends and sharing serendipitous moments with 'special souls'.
-The truth around my happiness coming from such simple stuff on my doorstep and accessible everyday to me.
-The resilience gained from being curious about my shadow side and embracing that.
-The freedom gained from Self forgiveness how liberating it is!
-The inspiration to work on forgiving others and understanding Shenpa.... touching just the surface of Buddhism probably in this lifetime but who knows I may surprise myself.
-My evolution in respect of accepting all that is..... so much more growth here in this lifetime I believe.
.....And the time....the time of my life through making time to breathe, to reflect,to develop my yoga and meditation practice  (yes it's coming at last from those sitting postures)....TIME to SIMPLY BE...
Thankyou universe and hello 2017.

"Not the worst Christmas I've ever had"

I found myself saying this too someone this week....I was caught  up in some drama and was sooooo confused....I didn't want to be in the drama triangle but I was and was aware I was....someone in our family is very seriously poorly and the situation behind it and around it is longstandingly complex and they've lost sooooo much and I love them ....there's feelings of guilt ,love, then blame of others and a lot of fear all sorts of feelings based on judging myself and others and not wanting to judge the poorly person in any way at all... 'rescuer 'in disguise as persecuter with a hint of  victim just for good measure!  strong emotions from what I know is my 'Shenpa' energy.... thankyou Pema Chondron! Today I woke up and looked out n mi back garden and thought I'm sooooo grateful I'm alive ...yesterday I was filled with good vibes after a week of struggling with the confusion of my emotions tugging and swirling I had a lovely last day at work ....I am amazed at people's gratitude for small things and an unexpected hug and a thankyou for listening from a colleague, kind words from a work buddy,a phone call from a grateful mum and the faces/good vibes of the children n mums as I dropped of the toys donated by charities swathed me in christmas spirit and made my heart do a little happy dance! I was quick to examine whether it was ego driven but I felt so bathed in other people's good energy it was their happiness and loveliness that made a glorious festive rainbow over my week.....
The haunting christmas spirit i believe is rooted in what I dramatically call the worst Christmas in my life .... and was as I entered my teenage years just before dad died...and Christmas has always filled me with sadness from that grief and anxiety around my not being good enough as I compare myself unfavourably to others especially on the Christmas dinner cooking front  (not like mum and my sister who 'seem to ' revel in the organising and the cooking department!)...Christmas day is just another day but it's people that matter and connection with them through kindness that fuels the feelgood vibe of Christmas time and we'll anytime really xxx