Darker shades of light.....

The quick check ins for morning pages is proving to be realistic and a good way of being aware of how powerful feelings and thoughts can be over what seems like truth and this creates an awareness of patterns and how 'truth' can change ... and although Ive known my thoughts are powerful things its nice to breakdown my self created therapeutic process into stages and see how powerful that process can be! soooo everyday journal pages are still full of gratitude and generate positivity which I need soo very much in the strange challenging world that is my working life.Yes I'm triggered by the negative talk and emotion and my own suspicious thoughts about the motivations of the people i work with ...how funny this seems but it feels real and very stressfull! Im examining some specifics in my shadow work and dreams journal ....my resilience is about managing this and having the energy to do my actual work and stay well. The 2 days that are the most difficult are the noisiest,when there are a lot of staff in and also when we have to sit together and try to make decisions....boy it's 'the way it is' I have no control over it and can accept thats the case...i feel i might slip into trying to please everyone which is a dangerous and very stressfull place to be and another facet of the shadow i have thought about..also the changes are pretty scarey so i am actually frightened ...but you know change is change and I'm focusing on what could go right ...but the what might go wrong hangs over me like a dark cloud. I 'notice' a lot and am trying to culture an observers perspective rather than allow it to confuse and upset me...some folks are happier about the changes and those people are easier to be around when they are happy... but I anticipate and can see the beginning of some severe storms and have my life jacket handy....abandoning ship is an option! and it has crossed my mind a couple of times this weekend but the age old saying, and risk, of moving  "out of the chip pan into the fire" comes to mind! Some shadow work journaling was interesting unpicking what I struggle with in others as a very real part of me ...and exploring the qualities of 'envy' as a feeling and the acknowledgement of the thoughts this might generate personally hoping to work toward a shift in my perceptions over time...it's only dynamics....I have some lovely sanctuaries thank you universe xxx

Into the new year....slowly does it.

I completed my journal for 2015 with a last page based on some reflections on my year and expressing gratitude for that amazing year....2016's word is Resilience and I completed the first page of my year journal with a simple spread in which i popped down the practices that keep me well and nurture some resilience in me at present....they are simple and I've itemised them before and they are now my pretty healthy routine of self care strategies like walking in nature, listening to music when relaxing, eating and drinking water regularly yoga,a little dancing etc and are becoming habits that are completely sustainable when I'm well...and just need refocusing on after my health blips.
I did 'dream' a little and set myself a goal that's achievable this year and that was to draw and paint more portraits and develop some more skill in this area.However there's no escaping that what is expected of me in my work and professional role I'm going to have to put time aside in my own life to meet the new guidelines and expectations.I say set time aside because I'm setting boundaries with regard to the amount of time and being specific with regards to what it's used for.I cannot be resentful about this or compare myself to others that fit it into their working day I simply have to get on with it and accept that for now that's what I'm going to have to do.So today on my day off I'm spending 1 hour (only) on a specific item of work resulting in my feeling less anxious when I return tomorrow..

A different approach to Morning pages in my mood journal

I would love to commit to morning pages ... but this has to be in a realistic way and as part of a morning ritual.What stood in my way the last time I did this was time and tiredness! I have pushed myself in the past with morning pages but it put me off a little as I've enough pushing and pressure in my daily life once I enter my work environment and my home and creativity is my sanctuary ....soooo here's my idea morning pages will be a brief check in of how I'm feeling and an affirmation for the day that encourages me to start afresh and be Louise Hay based in focusing on a little self love....I will do this as I drink my morning cuppa...and fit in move a few body stretches and a down dog before dressing...to much change and a morning including more yoga and meditation might come with the lighter mornings in spring but right now I think this might be feasible! It's a start .....and I'm happy with that.

To delight in my dreams I've to sit with my beloved shadows

Loved adding to this journal cover today.....it was raining outside and after a few givens I've had the pleasure of really deciding what it's gonna take to build my resilience and shadow work is going to be central to it....so my 3rd journal encourages my holding that space .

Recapping on the Journey.....

Had the most amazing walk yesterday which tired Chel and I out....the sun was out the air was fresh there wasn't a raindrop in sight ....water was high around the pond and fast running in all the little streams ...we're lucky because 3 miles in another direction the river has flooded it's banks and Kirkstall was under water! I selfishly didn't even think about this at the time and was more grateful for the feeling of wellness I have...a bit weak but  able to walk and get out of the house. This christmas I had a lurgy.. the 'toilet Kind'!  It was bloody awful and not eating for 5 days doesn't suit a 50 years young woman I would've got a buzz from that at 18 years old (that's was another phase now not worth recapping on)  but boy not now! Dioralyte cocktails were like nectar ...citrus flavour the best ....I've read Paulo Coelho The Alchemist and listened to the audible Philemena and am looking forward to another week of reading...since recovering more I prepped a new recycled journal for next year and another more dreamy delicate one and decided to keep a mood journal too (just fancied doing that although usually randomly reflect in this way in my sleep and nvc journal I thought I'd give it some focus in one journal for 2016...gosh I have book to draw and write in in every corner of my home I can sit still in....thst is heavenly ! I also arted a lot around the build up to the full moon on 25/12/15....that was nice and created some mandalas with each magicmoon drawing....now that was real flow time I loved it. During this time I did reflect on my feelings and my purpose and happiness levels as part of mapping out 2015's journey and my focus for 2016.I'm happy when not at work and know deep down I'm not happy at work... I think there are a lot of unhappy people at work I know because they constantly emmitt negativity. ..and I soak negativity up like a sponge I wish I didn't and I try all sorts of strategies to try to stop it getting to me but it seeps in eventually.I don't want to change job,I actually love the client work and it feels purposeful so that isnt on the cards.I do however wish to find my souls purpose and then retire early in 5 years.. .there needs to be to practical steps taken and a plan in order to do this.I do continue to learn a lot about myself ....I'm so full of flaws ( human heart flaws! ) I struggle to change them and accepting and surrendering to them is central to this years progress...its been kinda wearing trying to challenge and change them ...but especially painful in the work environment . A bit of fresh air ,yoga and time alone helps build resilience but only ameliorates the unhappiness I feel there with the people I work with and I'm sorry about that and wish I could change it ....but I cannot ....the best I can hope to do is simply manage the situation learn more about myself, examine my judgments, illuminate others judgemental attitudes, build personal resilience, prepare and explore my souls desires and dreams for the next part of my journey....a 5 year plan in the making.I need the universe's love and support sooooo very much and am holding my hands out to receive ....thank you universe.

Aad Guray Nameh - Snatam Kaur / EyedreamDesign artwork (series 1)

I could play this comforting mantra on repeat.... feel myself drift to a good place in my mind and body and forget I'm part of the uncomfortable vibrations I feel at work...guess that would defeat  the object of culturing peace within and being able to take it with you wherever you go in whatever you doooo....so I will try to get on track again as have misplaced my centre ....drawing some mandalas....going real real slow this weekend and lots of hugs this weekend has helped me to be in a slightly more insightful place and acknowledge the only drama that really exists is the drama I create in me.....thats what I've noticed when using a little observers consciousness...and I need to process some of the hurt i'm covering with my defensive outerwear but hey awareness is the a start to changing and managing myself.... embracing and accepting it or trying tooooo

Moving on.....

....letting it go and starting again this week ....slowly does it from an observers consciousness....plenty of self care to help buffer the exhausting effects of any drama....

self care includes:

Daily calming and grounding through some sacred practice like drawing a mandala, yoga or a mindful walk...my way of reconnecting to source.Work on cultivating a morning routine that might encourage more regular stretching and mindfulness. 

Venting and getting emotional space in my own way through perhaps,journaling,  creating part of artspread or walking briskly rather than mindfully to get things moving rather than festering in any non useful thought.Choosing who I might talk to and will listen and be grateful for any space they give me.

Sit with the emotion long enough to understand it acknowledge my needs others needs but be aware if the unpleasant impact on everyday functioning on dwelling on it too long it is not good for me to do this.

Be mindful of my physical health and that the ole ferratin levels are always very low..and take care of that thyriod....and body with lots of warm nutritious food home cooked one pots and nice baking made with love....a good 2 litres of fresh or warm water every day.