From spewing love to fire - perimenopasal madness

Well..... from spewing words and emotion to gushing in a more physical sense....any self awareness around my patterns in health have just been trumped by the worst 5 days of perimenapasal happenings and a shameful 'rage' that ensued following some banta from my beloved! I've always had an inner hormonal rollercoaster that has underpinned a lot of life happenings, emotional states and probs...However this has to be the worst 'ride' since the decline of my thyroid (which probably started around the time I started this blog if not before...6 years or so ago).
Am now popping thyroxine, iron and  norethistrone and feel physically incapacitated !
So this little ditty hit the page...
A 'man with a womb' a 'womb with a man' the female disposition is a powerful one..
For someone soooo kind and committed to peace can suddenly turn into a raging beast!
Memories of hormones when I was young and the shame of the moments when ferrel they ran
When crockery flies after a disagreement and people get broken in a heated moment.
It's been so long since that physiological rage and then out of the blue it revisited after 5 bloody awful days...
Timing and respect had been well and truly flaunted the consequence of which my beloved wouldn't have ever wanted...
Once it is started its hard to switch off Mantras and breathing  all well and good but when 'fight and flight' is caught up in the mix beware those I love leave me alone till its fixed...
Escalation is massive in my cazzy head and no sources or attempts to make good can help when this volcano errupts..
I do feel I'm sorry and now we've made it all up and I'm past feeling shameful cos I really was pushed not by my beloved (shit timing aside) but my perimenapausal chemistry unseen but flowing inside...
End of ditty! and in my journal it goes there's a double spread in red for this one!

Solution: accept that this may not be able to be overcome by naturopathy alone!  Hunt out some forums and commit to pushing through with some yoga,meditation and breathe breathe breathe breathe and sleep as much as needed .....it's hard because it's hard....still love my life just a bit disillusioned with the high expectations I have for my aging body! Look and feel 100 years old today!!!

and more....

Gosh so many of my journals over the years host pages of words spewing forth the love that I believe underpins our relationship, Chella....
..of course it's not always been easy...he's  hung in there helping me find my way through it all.. and me him..he's often the one who suggests something that has taken my healing to the next level.... hey and he's the first to admit there's no perfect although I'd argue he's 'my perfect' soul mate.. I've added more to those pages over the last few weeks....
'You're my evergreen love....enduring all seasons...
When I blow cool you prepare to button down the hatches for  my wild hurricane and then let it surround you.....in my stone coldness your warm willful love irresistibly wakes me up and brings me back to life melting all thats frosty and forlorn.... a breather perhaps as the cool air passes over your shoulders and my sun emerges bright and glorious full of energy and it has you itching to catch me up!... and soon the burn of the fire  ...oh our glowing hearts...the searing heat passing through your smooth constant psyche ...I heard you holler "Whoooaaa" but you always ride along for a while until like children we topple off... burnt,a little frazzled and smiling....oh my the  summers of crazy energies and moods sooo high... and now these are our glory days of autumn my love... going slowly watching the beauty of endings and the inevitable renewal that turns out beautifully sleepy days where the sunshine and cold winds dance .....  that bite in the air as we walk in perfect time together....  your eyes are always full of our glorious autumn"

And it doesn't end anytime sooooon..

"Sometimes I find I'm obsessed with your form......can you feel it?
I stroke my hands over your muscular frame and think thoughts of love in those dark sleepless nights and smile at the snores!
Stirred by the memories of those young gently lustful nights when we stirred in our dreamy state and we're held in union surrounded by smouldering  love... we never denied ourselves that ... its sensually pleasing experience  is etched in my memory and right now is my 'go to' bathing me in a heavenly glow....
And when I curl myself next to you and your warm sleeping body and I say 'this is how I want to be buried' I do remember our souls are as one so what would it matter how we be buried?..but I like to say it because right now I love this physical existence with you and my body and mind appreciates you sooo much and in this place awake or sleeping I am sure it is my right place to be....by your side"

JUST ONE MORE

"Love is a choice.... and believe me you made that choice an easy one, steady sensual presence, sweet and boy like wonderings and those wise and tolerant stand offs... I love it when you stand firm in your own quiet persona.... you wear your emotions just the same as any heart covered sleeve....I see them, I read them and get them...my earth angel, my wise man,my lover, my Chel.....the choice was such an easy one... my love "....

OK done for now!

Spewing forth

Gosh I love my imperfect life but have this melingering sadness sat in me....I can troop along as things are OK! The energy in the world is on the cusp of something a bit surreal me thinks...however I'm content in my mediocre existence....and rather than rambling on I'm sharing bits of my journal that seem OK to share. I've been writing lots n lots n lots.. I cant sleep until Ive 'spewed' words out onto paper at the moment....never fancy words just reflective half sentences in gratitude n love alongside a the wee cynical analysis of my sweet mediocre existence.... and I'm enjoying trying to establish a routine of some meditation and chanting...!!! I've let that critical voice 'shouting me down' during  my last experience of meditation gooooo and tried again it's having the desired effect just gotta make it a habit! Soooo world on the cusp of something I'm not hiding but I cannot pretend to be something I'm not ...so spewing away in solitude is my ceiling....
"When my body is weak and my soul smiles at it....
When home is the sanctuary I call sleep...and it's silence wraps itself around me bathing every tender sinew and cell of my being....the divine glows and is all that gets me through ... warmly greeting me at my centre reassuring me gracefully that it resides here...whispering that we will all make it through the darkness by connecting to its beauty.. reminding me we are all evolving through healing , by leaving life , sharing our gifts and lighting the path of the journey forth...."

https://youtu.be/tx7pbLLhYoc

Self care alert.... and then self care of course

A few weeks ago I started this post it saved but didn't post : "I'm sat in bed with 2 'rounds' of cut loaf wholemeal toast soaked in butter feeling comforted by the memory of my 'granpa G' .... and I'm mindful of a) the fact that this health pattern is so much a part of my life b) the there's overwhelming evidence that my emotional and physical health are the same thing ...of course we all know that c) that when sad comes just stay with sad it's o.k.  .....d) you don't have to deal with all the thoughts just pop a filter on for today...
Always in a rush to try to distract myself from my feelings but sitting with sad today and physical virus...yes it can feel pretty overwhelming..So I'm a bit poorly but it isn't terminal ( and if it were I know I've had such an amazing few months I think I'd die a happy woman...but I'm pretty sure it isnt and I'm very grateful for that😀 ...really really grateful as I've seen so much loss,sadness and life limitedness it isn't something I want to make light of😑)...anyway its a bit lonely sometimes or feels that way but I think that's what sadness does it kinda makes you want and need to withdraw and although I'm in bed I'm not staying there because part of my self care along with rest and taking time is that I have to go out and breathe some air and look at the sky...."

.....sooo finished art and drew tears galore....I felt sad... I read Fernando Pessoa...and started Britt Marie and indulged in the cranky old lady that had built walls and behaviour to protect herself from the deepest if griefs .I wrote poems about tears but don't think I cried a lot just felt a little watery....

Sensitivity alert...

....sensitive not about everything but about being 'stage managed' by 2 of the lovelies I've felt grateful, to call close friends, for over 30 years...I will let it go eventually but something they did and kept a big secret has made me soooo sad😔 even though it was a beautiful secret.... It's a bit of a wakeup call as although I love them and always will its made me examine their expectations of me... their actions seem to make them 2 even closer but actually exclude me more than Ive ever felt before 😕.... and yes ive always felt the pecking order places me '3rd' and accepted it but I fear I've lost something I placed such a lot of value on and its creating such sadness... .....but it's not breaking me and it might have done a few years ago.😃...again I am anaemic and a little energy less so I'm trying to take that into consideration! I've also allowed myself to have my laid back and hey don't mind me persona for so long so accept some responsibility for how Im perceived.😐 There's some shadow in there though in that the love and gratitude I feel about their friendship leads to a discomfort I feel about my deeperself and makes me revisit those deeper held beliefs that I hold about me...and that is that 'Im just not good enough to have them as friends' 😕 what is that all about! ...although I'm aware they're really high achieving individuals with different material values it's never really phased me cos were also all so sensitive, committed to being empathic and compassionate..and my heart has always held them close based on those shared values plus I knew them before they were 'high flyers'..but I'm not sure they value me at all anymore😢.....being sooo grateful for their friendship has generated a strange perspective to how I feel about the relationship.. a sort of I will do and accept anything (heck I love these guyz)....and one of the friends has definitely showed signs of drifting away from me for sometime and this particular secret has kinda made that a lot worse for me.The awful thing is im not sure that they both dont actually know this! and when I overthink that it really does hurt! I prefer to think they just got carried away with their plans! and the fact it was 'a secret' and it wasn't about me it was a very special event in one of the friends lives and she was responsible for not wanting to include a lot of people not just me soo i want to say let it go but shadow keeps looming over me saying otherwise! ..THEY are wonderful human beings😊 When I'm over thinking it I feel like its a sort of immense test of our friendship when really ITS JUST THE WAY IT IS 😯 I'm trying to let go of this 'deep bond' I keep overthinking and I'm accepting its a 'lighter love' and I'm feeling better already .... and I'm letting go of the fact that my one 'very beautiful friend' who has everything,achieves such a lot has an amazingness in her life of 'mahusive heights' but is still often 'deeply unhappy' and has less capacity to connect with me authentically and needs a lot of comfort from the other truly amazing 'compassionate adorable intelligent' friend and I'm accepting it was all never really unconditional even though I thought it was and ☺ Ive managed to say it made me sad to my lovely compassionate friend and she didnt give me a slap!😆....so  I needs 'my wee softee' of a girl to wake up and smell the coffee (whilst giving her hug of course ) ..hey its all still love anyway 😘but she's learnt something kinda grown up about this conditional world we live in xxx

LOVEly version of one of my faves