Gratefully neuralgic to life?

Well I am pretty Neuralgic in the facial department at the moment around 4 days of worsening pain in waves throughout the day.... "would like to cry like a wee babe'  when I allow myself to dwell on whether I am just allergic to life? Well suffering and pain is all part of being human so I am surrendering as I can't do anything else...and I feel it will be transitory.. I'm hopeful it will be ....I've rustled up some aconite my wheat pack and the love from my good man (Chella you're my hero lovey).
Am sooo grateful for all that this year has brought even if I don't see the clock chime at midnight in a jolly way with prosecco and old langsym I'm still 'psychically' welcoming 2017... I'm grateful for:
-The energy Ive had this year to live my life fully such a lot of the time..
-The courage generated to take the risk to move workplace.
-The opportunities I've had for rubbing shoulders with like minded folks,healers,talented artist,old friends and sharing serendipitous moments with 'special souls'.
-The truth around my happiness coming from such simple stuff on my doorstep and accessible everyday to me.
-The resilience gained from being curious about my shadow side and embracing that.
-The freedom gained from Self forgiveness how liberating it is!
-The inspiration to work on forgiving others and understanding Shenpa.... touching just the surface of Buddhism probably in this lifetime but who knows I may surprise myself.
-My evolution in respect of accepting all that is..... so much more growth here in this lifetime I believe.
.....And the time....the time of my life through making time to breathe, to reflect,to develop my yoga and meditation practice  (yes it's coming at last from those sitting postures)....TIME to SIMPLY BE...
Thankyou universe and hello 2017.

"Not the worst Christmas I've ever had"

I found myself saying this too someone this week....I was caught  up in some drama and was sooooo confused....I didn't want to be in the drama triangle but I was and was aware I was....someone in our family is very seriously poorly and the situation behind it and around it is longstandingly complex and they've lost sooooo much and I love them ....there's feelings of guilt ,love, then blame of others and a lot of fear all sorts of feelings based on judging myself and others and not wanting to judge the poorly person in any way at all... 'rescuer 'in disguise as persecuter with a hint of  victim just for good measure!  strong emotions from what I know is my 'Shenpa' energy.... thankyou Pema Chondron! Today I woke up and looked out n mi back garden and thought I'm sooooo grateful I'm alive ...yesterday I was filled with good vibes after a week of struggling with the confusion of my emotions tugging and swirling I had a lovely last day at work ....I am amazed at people's gratitude for small things and an unexpected hug and a thankyou for listening from a colleague, kind words from a work buddy,a phone call from a grateful mum and the faces/good vibes of the children n mums as I dropped of the toys donated by charities swathed me in christmas spirit and made my heart do a little happy dance! I was quick to examine whether it was ego driven but I felt so bathed in other people's good energy it was their happiness and loveliness that made a glorious festive rainbow over my week.....
The haunting christmas spirit i believe is rooted in what I dramatically call the worst Christmas in my life .... and was as I entered my teenage years just before dad died...and Christmas has always filled me with sadness from that grief and anxiety around my not being good enough as I compare myself unfavourably to others especially on the Christmas dinner cooking front  (not like mum and my sister who 'seem to ' revel in the organising and the cooking department!)...Christmas day is just another day but it's people that matter and connection with them through kindness that fuels the feelgood vibe of Christmas time and we'll anytime really xxx

Peace in the darkness

I was sooooo drawn to wanting , even needing, to draw a card from this beautiful transformational 'go to' tarot deck... and wow this one said it all.....I'm very much in tune with the moon and the meaning behind this card resonated so strongly.... and is completely were I am at ...I am 'medium term' sitting with 'sadness' but am discovering a real contented state in sitting with this its hard to explain , meditation and yoga are helping me feel comfortable and spacious with it and I am not depressed....it has been my main disposition since October. Yes strong perimenapausal symptoms are flowing but I feel there is a bigger picture of a more spiritual and soulful nature....and that's the journey not solely the physical physiological situation.I'm feeling reassured , inspired, encouraged and guided by the moon cycles and am 'birthing" a 2017 journal which will involve working with the moon and seasons cycles in my art journalling... journey on x

From spewing love to fire - perimenopasal madness

Well..... from spewing words and emotion to gushing in a more physical sense....any self awareness around my patterns in health have just been trumped by the worst 5 days of perimenapasal happenings and a shameful 'rage' that ensued following some banta from my beloved! I've always had an inner hormonal rollercoaster that has underpinned a lot of life happenings, emotional states and probs...However this has to be the worst 'ride' since the decline of my thyroid (which probably started around the time I started this blog if not before...6 years or so ago).
Am now popping thyroxine, iron and  norethistrone and feel physically incapacitated !
So this little ditty hit the page...
A 'man with a womb' a 'womb with a man' the female disposition is a powerful one..
For someone soooo kind and committed to peace can suddenly turn into a raging beast!
Memories of hormones when I was young and the shame of the moments when ferrel they ran
When crockery flies after a disagreement and people get broken in a heated moment.
It's been so long since that physiological rage and then out of the blue it revisited after 5 bloody awful days...
Timing and respect had been well and truly flaunted the consequence of which my beloved wouldn't have ever wanted...
Once it is started its hard to switch off Mantras and breathing  all well and good but when 'fight and flight' is caught up in the mix beware those I love leave me alone till its fixed...
Escalation is massive in my cazzy head and no sources or attempts to make good can help when this volcano errupts..
I do feel I'm sorry and now we've made it all up and I'm past feeling shameful cos I really was pushed not by my beloved (shit timing aside) but my perimenapausal chemistry unseen but flowing inside...
End of ditty! and in my journal it goes there's a double spread in red for this one!

Solution: accept that this may not be able to be overcome by naturopathy alone!  Hunt out some forums and commit to pushing through with some yoga,meditation and breathe breathe breathe breathe and sleep as much as needed .....it's hard because it's hard....still love my life just a bit disillusioned with the high expectations I have for my aging body! Look and feel 100 years old today!!!

and more....

Gosh so many of my journals over the years host pages of words spewing forth the love that I believe underpins our relationship, Chella....
..of course it's not always been easy...he's  hung in there helping me find my way through it all.. and me him..he's often the one who suggests something that has taken my healing to the next level.... hey and he's the first to admit there's no perfect although I'd argue he's 'my perfect' soul mate.. I've added more to those pages over the last few weeks....
'You're my evergreen love....enduring all seasons...
When I blow cool you prepare to button down the hatches for  my wild hurricane and then let it surround you.....in my stone coldness your warm willful love irresistibly wakes me up and brings me back to life melting all thats frosty and forlorn.... a breather perhaps as the cool air passes over your shoulders and my sun emerges bright and glorious full of energy and it has you itching to catch me up!... and soon the burn of the fire  ...oh our glowing hearts...the searing heat passing through your smooth constant psyche ...I heard you holler "Whoooaaa" but you always ride along for a while until like children we topple off... burnt,a little frazzled and smiling....oh my the  summers of crazy energies and moods sooo high... and now these are our glory days of autumn my love... going slowly watching the beauty of endings and the inevitable renewal that turns out beautifully sleepy days where the sunshine and cold winds dance .....  that bite in the air as we walk in perfect time together....  your eyes are always full of our glorious autumn"

And it doesn't end anytime sooooon..

"Sometimes I find I'm obsessed with your form......can you feel it?
I stroke my hands over your muscular frame and think thoughts of love in those dark sleepless nights and smile at the snores!
Stirred by the memories of those young gently lustful nights when we stirred in our dreamy state and we're held in union surrounded by smouldering  love... we never denied ourselves that ... its sensually pleasing experience  is etched in my memory and right now is my 'go to' bathing me in a heavenly glow....
And when I curl myself next to you and your warm sleeping body and I say 'this is how I want to be buried' I do remember our souls are as one so what would it matter how we be buried?..but I like to say it because right now I love this physical existence with you and my body and mind appreciates you sooo much and in this place awake or sleeping I am sure it is my right place to be....by your side"

JUST ONE MORE

"Love is a choice.... and believe me you made that choice an easy one, steady sensual presence, sweet and boy like wonderings and those wise and tolerant stand offs... I love it when you stand firm in your own quiet persona.... you wear your emotions just the same as any heart covered sleeve....I see them, I read them and get them...my earth angel, my wise man,my lover, my Chel.....the choice was such an easy one... my love "....

OK done for now!

Spewing forth

Gosh I love my imperfect life but have this melingering sadness sat in me....I can troop along as things are OK! The energy in the world is on the cusp of something a bit surreal me thinks...however I'm content in my mediocre existence....and rather than rambling on I'm sharing bits of my journal that seem OK to share. I've been writing lots n lots n lots.. I cant sleep until Ive 'spewed' words out onto paper at the moment....never fancy words just reflective half sentences in gratitude n love alongside a the wee cynical analysis of my sweet mediocre existence.... and I'm enjoying trying to establish a routine of some meditation and chanting...!!! I've let that critical voice 'shouting me down' during  my last experience of meditation gooooo and tried again it's having the desired effect just gotta make it a habit! Soooo world on the cusp of something I'm not hiding but I cannot pretend to be something I'm not ...so spewing away in solitude is my ceiling....
"When my body is weak and my soul smiles at it....
When home is the sanctuary I call sleep...and it's silence wraps itself around me bathing every tender sinew and cell of my being....the divine glows and is all that gets me through ... warmly greeting me at my centre reassuring me gracefully that it resides here...whispering that we will all make it through the darkness by connecting to its beauty.. reminding me we are all evolving through healing , by leaving life , sharing our gifts and lighting the path of the journey forth...."

https://youtu.be/tx7pbLLhYoc

Self care alert.... and then self care of course

A few weeks ago I started this post it saved but didn't post : "I'm sat in bed with 2 'rounds' of cut loaf wholemeal toast soaked in butter feeling comforted by the memory of my 'granpa G' .... and I'm mindful of a) the fact that this health pattern is so much a part of my life b) the there's overwhelming evidence that my emotional and physical health are the same thing ...of course we all know that c) that when sad comes just stay with sad it's o.k.  .....d) you don't have to deal with all the thoughts just pop a filter on for today...
Always in a rush to try to distract myself from my feelings but sitting with sad today and physical virus...yes it can feel pretty overwhelming..So I'm a bit poorly but it isn't terminal ( and if it were I know I've had such an amazing few months I think I'd die a happy woman...but I'm pretty sure it isnt and I'm very grateful for that😀 ...really really grateful as I've seen so much loss,sadness and life limitedness it isn't something I want to make light of😑)...anyway its a bit lonely sometimes or feels that way but I think that's what sadness does it kinda makes you want and need to withdraw and although I'm in bed I'm not staying there because part of my self care along with rest and taking time is that I have to go out and breathe some air and look at the sky...."

.....sooo finished art and drew tears galore....I felt sad... I read Fernando Pessoa...and started Britt Marie and indulged in the cranky old lady that had built walls and behaviour to protect herself from the deepest if griefs .I wrote poems about tears but don't think I cried a lot just felt a little watery....

Sensitivity alert...

....sensitive not about everything but about being 'stage managed' by 2 of the lovelies I've felt grateful, to call close friends, for over 30 years...I will let it go eventually but something they did and kept a big secret has made me soooo sad😔 even though it was a beautiful secret.... It's a bit of a wakeup call as although I love them and always will its made me examine their expectations of me... their actions seem to make them 2 even closer but actually exclude me more than Ive ever felt before 😕.... and yes ive always felt the pecking order places me '3rd' and accepted it but I fear I've lost something I placed such a lot of value on and its creating such sadness... .....but it's not breaking me and it might have done a few years ago.😃...again I am anaemic and a little energy less so I'm trying to take that into consideration! I've also allowed myself to have my laid back and hey don't mind me persona for so long so accept some responsibility for how Im perceived.😐 There's some shadow in there though in that the love and gratitude I feel about their friendship leads to a discomfort I feel about my deeperself and makes me revisit those deeper held beliefs that I hold about me...and that is that 'Im just not good enough to have them as friends' 😕 what is that all about! ...although I'm aware they're really high achieving individuals with different material values it's never really phased me cos were also all so sensitive, committed to being empathic and compassionate..and my heart has always held them close based on those shared values plus I knew them before they were 'high flyers'..but I'm not sure they value me at all anymore😢.....being sooo grateful for their friendship has generated a strange perspective to how I feel about the relationship.. a sort of I will do and accept anything (heck I love these guyz)....and one of the friends has definitely showed signs of drifting away from me for sometime and this particular secret has kinda made that a lot worse for me.The awful thing is im not sure that they both dont actually know this! and when I overthink that it really does hurt! I prefer to think they just got carried away with their plans! and the fact it was 'a secret' and it wasn't about me it was a very special event in one of the friends lives and she was responsible for not wanting to include a lot of people not just me soo i want to say let it go but shadow keeps looming over me saying otherwise! ..THEY are wonderful human beings😊 When I'm over thinking it I feel like its a sort of immense test of our friendship when really ITS JUST THE WAY IT IS 😯 I'm trying to let go of this 'deep bond' I keep overthinking and I'm accepting its a 'lighter love' and I'm feeling better already .... and I'm letting go of the fact that my one 'very beautiful friend' who has everything,achieves such a lot has an amazingness in her life of 'mahusive heights' but is still often 'deeply unhappy' and has less capacity to connect with me authentically and needs a lot of comfort from the other truly amazing 'compassionate adorable intelligent' friend and I'm accepting it was all never really unconditional even though I thought it was and ☺ Ive managed to say it made me sad to my lovely compassionate friend and she didnt give me a slap!😆....so  I needs 'my wee softee' of a girl to wake up and smell the coffee (whilst giving her hug of course ) ..hey its all still love anyway 😘but she's learnt something kinda grown up about this conditional world we live in xxx

LOVEly version of one of my faves

Reflections, Reflections...and were I'm at..

I'm full of joy and pulsing with what I believe is creative energy that just needs channeling a little...and I need to be aware of balancing the energy a little as it soars....I've albums to finish and one to start for a good friend and I know I'll enjoy creating these but before I 'get industrious' I wanted to blog some of my ponderings.... I was torn between list making and blogging and this won so god knows what there'll be on the table for tea amongst the piles of craft papers and stamps ! First of all there's an amazing 'tingle' of fire energy from our recent trip to Portugal...it was great on such a lot of levels...it was 'culturally uplifting' to see so many different nationalities especially the blend of African, Brazilian, Portugese and  Europeannes and I'm not knowledgeable about the roots or issues around this but I can tell you the energy was great and the sort of blending in and relaxing acceptance I crave.......Chel felt it tooooo so back we must go ...

Our wedding anniversary was so gorgeous ... and I was reminded of the passion that started our time together alongside the deep beauty and security I feel comes out of our 'mutuality' that has been nurtured over our 26 plus years and journey together .... a mature resilient love that Chella demonstrates to me on such a regular basis.... but did so particularly on holiday he is a deep part of me that I will never loose because he lives in my heart and soul.... and then the surprises of his boyishness and spontaneous thoughtful actions alongside his quirky and endearing ways.....and I know I reciprocate that mature love unconditionally.... this love is central to our earthly RESILIENCE and is the greatest life gift ever..... to give and receive soo unconditionally is 'the journey' I believe and  I thank the universe every day for my sharing my life with him.

I have a whole week off to devote to my creativity and a few other worldly duties ....lots of annual leave from July to September suits me .. and it creates an amazing vibe ...

When I return I will be happy with where I'm at and get the headspace that helps me to stay emotionally well.....I'm grateful I am working ...and who knows what is around the corner for both of us work wise as there are threats of more cut backs.All I can plan for is early retirement not as a luxury but as needed in order to preserve what is left of myself ....its difficult to try to change yourself sooo much .... it seems to involve fettering so much that is a big part of your personality and it can be really emotionally hard....work life could be perceived as requesting you 'care a little less' and 'do a little less for those in need'.and feel pressured .. but its contentious and only something I choose to perceive as being the case ..... my naivety, conditioning and hardwiring is constantly challenged and such a lot of learning comes from that....but I will continue to survive these next 4-5 years within what is left of the 'caring profession' and accept its transformation... I will focus of learning more about self care than ever before... I love my family and friends I love my life I want to fall in love with simplicity so as I can continue to build resilience and be creative and most importantly be happy and stay healthy...these are my goals for the next 9 months until the adventure season start again next year ....so as autumn is on the horizon I take stock and express gratitude for all this loveliness in my life and send my love right out there into the good ole universe knowing it will send it back when it time to do soooooo .....

"When Brave Bird Saved" A Short Film From Laura Marling

Loving Laura Marling's album Once I was an Eagle

July to August Art

....some artful meanderings prior to winded around with the journalling ....

Wowza of a time

July to August is a celebratory and energetic time for us.....never a dull moment but finding some balance and being sooooo grateful for this amazing time is a must.... and I continue to have serendipitous moments splashed in amongst the bedlam that is life that reminds my heart and mind that all of this is transitory ☺....a lot of my art and journalling have been about the non permanence of things and the fluctuation of emotions and the thoughts that go with this.In amongst the amazingness of life I still find myself experiencing emotional suffering which I feel ashamed to highlight! especially since there's such a lot of what I see as 'serious' suffering in this world... I have all my basic and material needs met and Im so conscious many do not have this and I ponder on it sooooo much.... and yet the waves of anxiety and the eb and flow of emotions and 'stuff' i recognize as being part of my hardwiring due to life and childhood experiences go on...it's kinda a beautiful more vivid at some times and less noticeable at others .. interestingly confusing 😯☺.... I feel  ashamed of what I perceive as potentially 'envious and greedy' longings but they are a serious reminder of how I'm conditioned my western up bringing from a relatively poor working class background on this small Island that has seen us gradually make good through the twentieth century has created a strange way of thinking.... but I do seek to challenge my thoughts and find some peace with this on top of moving forward from recognizing unhelpful behaviours of distracting myself from my distress and anxiety ....an interesting place to be at me thinks........attachment is talked and written about as the source of all suffering and the striving to relinquish it all a source toooo .....confusing eh? But hey in the moment acceptance of it all as it as transitory with a few deep breaths is as useful a strategy as any right now.....Thank you universe for my sweet life I'm eternally grateful.

This present moment..... of peace....

Gosh at last I'm in a peaceful environment away from the sensory overload and the 'jiggery pokery'..... no tv nobody else in the house just 'the girls' well me and my cat! Im beginning to sound a little reclusive! ... I do love the colorful tapestry of life and diversity of 'peopleness'.. but my reserves are low and the week has felt tiring .. I've had to give into my slow thought processes and my aching shoulders and back have been telling me a little self care is needed....emotional check in time: feelings of sadness and fear lurke beneath my everyday smile and get on with it facade... (such a lot of extremism around and my sensitive disposition is stirred by all this 'energy'😩)
Situations that have impacted on me: too much to dooooo, challenging cases lack of headspace and folks to talk to about it too....
Bit of anxiety around some higher risk stuff.. felt a bit alone but adequately assessed and it turned out o.k.
Bit upset that I'm going through a needy slightly overwhelmed spell and recognising some old patterns and question whether i'm communicating as clearly with colleages as I need to to try to get support....bit scared support is not there and slipping back into that 'orrible' place in my head! But it's gonna pass.. its just these feelings right now that are hard to deal with... Ive got my dislike of 'judge wudgy ' and 'Un compassionate' colleagues filter on which nearly lead me to taking stuff personally today.... I'm stressed and only human and who knows what filters are in play...I'm too exhausted to analyse tonight! self care ..self care ...self care my wee body is shouting at me and it's voice is loud and clear...
O.k universe I know i attract these situations until i learn to deal with them so here I start ........
Gratitude for:
A bit of a laugh😁
A bit of reciprocal 'gosh Im worn out with a lovely student'😅
A wistful smile and some empathy from those around me when I was a bit anxious'...😅
The keeping you safe  communications and overall trust in colleagues 😅
My knowing I don't own any 'annoying😡 unless I'm the one being annoyed... and I'm not annoyed..my colleague has a story behind her behaviour and I have my filters to be aware of.😝
The instant relief of sharing verbally and feeling a bit of support with few pieces of work.
Me getting to the study day today...despite my worrying i might not..😣😆
Me leaving the work that needs doing until I've got the headspace and that's not tonight😓😪
The lovely acupuncture and massage on my day off.😙
The lovely neck pull Julia gave me in yoga ...I'm so grateful and can't thank you enough without feeling teary and even more emotional😙
Some lovely interactions with clients and a confidence that there's purpose in this life and so much hope for the human race ☺
MY BRAIN LIKES POSITIVITY AND GRATITUDE....just gotta hunt it out....I am blessed...and knackered!

People pleasing shadow

Soooo o.k. I've been pondering and possibly over thinking a few things around 'people pleasing' ! I've been trying to explore all that sits in my shadow around this...initially I felt a bit confused ....because I felt quite distressed about my automatic thinking that others will always take advantage of me because of my inherent softer nature and this was just something I'd have to accept and keep walking away from when I had to for self preservation!...My authentic self is a quirky quite gentle person with a bit of a childlike lustre and others often do not 'get me' and feel very able to tell me so ...which I guess could be viewed as a positive thing as they can simply be their authentic selves in feeling free to express their truth to me and if course truth can change moment to moment day to day month to month year to year !... just sometimes I find this a bit upsetting cos i take it personally and so up she pops ....hey 'little people pleaser hi  n how yer doin' 😕 but am working on it....boundaries and self care are a must.The trigger to look a little deeper into this recently came when someone I like and 'looked up' to described  me as 'nicely naive' or was 'naively nice'.... anyway it doesn't matter now cos that was what they wanted to say and it's not mine to own ....but it did trigger me and I sat with it for a while  it seemed the main issue was that in the discussion she highlighted some people would simply 'not like me' or that aspect of me would get on their nerves 😒😡...a bitter pill to swallow for 'my people pleaser'.
Anyway on the useful side ...it got some self enquiry going and my actually understanding it a bit more about where my 'little people pleaser' came from (..although ive a hard time understanding the manipulative side to it as Ive always been like this and it doesnt seem to have the required effect ! A bit more time with that one I think.....)
Hey little people pleaser this could be where you were nurtured....
My past: parenting based on being good and nice and to care for sibling/others and not rock the boat due to a parent's chronic illness = automatic thinking that being accepted is based on conditional love with a life long dash of low self esteem😐
My experiences of a volatile parent with a degenerative brain disorder who died when I was a teenager (when I had actually had started to assert myself!) And the loss of my amazing male role model granpa who took his own life shortly after I spread my wings and moved away from home = an idea that actually asserting myself and leading any sort of totally independant life may have disasterous consequences which is something i've grown to know is not truth😀 =  I can see were my fear of the consequences of being anything other than pleasing others came from not to mention my immediate guilt when something bad happens! Alongside more issues around abandonment and grief but too complex to write down 😁( my head is often a shed dealing with thoughts around that!)
The emotional memories of being physically and emotionally abused are very vivid and real and can re emerge  when triggered and this is exhausting to deal with if coming at me on a very regular basis.😣😢😳
AnD I MuST aDD i'M NoT tHe OnlY oNE dEAliNg wItH ThIS SorT Of StUfF  wHeN oUT ThErE In ThIS bEautIFully STrANgE LiTtLE wOrld I'M CoNStANtLY RuBbING ShOuLdERS WItH OThEr LOvELY HuMaN BeiNGS WhO HaVE tHeRE oWn ShADoWS AnD StUfF TtOoooo. .. the colorful tapestry of life eh? In day to day life i have this constant awareness that I and others are jostling along with our different ideas about ourselves,others and the world ...all these 'strange truths' phew I feel exhausted just thinking about it let alone carrying it and trying to be my authentic self in amongst it all everyday! There's some lyrics that come to mind from a Sara Barelles  ISLANDS ...'you must become an island'  a metaphorical island mmmm sounds so appealing and that's where i go when I'm arting and walking and doing yoga...been listening to lots of luvli tunes from Karima Francis 'Black' and the demo 'Only human' which I adore!, Lucy Rose, bit of Johnny legend, some soothing Snatam Kaur mantras and of course a bit of Jack ...
When I'm not listening to music I'm listening to the birds and the rustle of the wind in the trees mmm life's sweet it's my 'one life and I'm living it 'real'..the anxiety and all....the sun is shining and I'm scooting out now to flyer for kula (cos I wanna not to please anyone!) and get me some wee bedding plants... simple pleasures on my day off 😚
P.s. the people pleasing I do just because I'm kind doesn't count!!!!!

Marvellous May...

....ooh I love May...it breathes freshness and sunshine into the year...we usually get at least a few days of sunshine and everything is blossoming outdoors...wherever you walk you can't get away from that and I love it...it's seem easier to see the bursts of goodness that balances the blips and challenges in life.. instead if being carried off by the 'raw energy surges' that i think are often around in everday life with a little lovely hatha /yin yoga and all the other balancing and groundjng 'stuff' im so grateful for i can pull myself back ito the peaceful present.. where feelings pass through my heart and thoughts glide over my head.A little shadow of mine tries to argue life has to be hard and feeling like this is a bit if a cop out.... mmm another page for the shadow journal...Arting with watercolors, which was on my list of wanna does for this year is enjoyable again the perfectionist and judmental shadow has an opinion on that but I like doing it...I sat out in the garden on soul art day and dabbled around with a couple of palates traditional watercolors and some 'cool ' caligraphy ones that are adorable colours.... mmmm  gently scrummy and unpredictable to play with those watercolors..a reminder that those qualities are such a beautiful part of life tooo.....

The stronger you become the gentler you will be

The slow pondering im doing around 'shadow" is liberating........some art around this has been useful in examining the 'bad ass bear' I love but have supressed for some years..she didn't consume me she just gave me the energy and courage to take a little risk..she was a little scarier when I was younger and could've  got me into some bother if she'd had to spill out and claw her way to escape that toxic environment she was shrieking at me to leave behind...but I recognised her and listened! It is also sooo refreshing to work somewhere else thats going through just as much change as my previous workplace but without the level of 'draining distress'...Something was going on for me and it won't go away I know I've some serious emotional triggers...  but taking responsibility for moving away from the toxicity I experienced from being exposed to those triggers daily has had a really positive impact on me..  i sometimes find myself wondering and even feeling a little frightened that there might be a drama and a little memory emerges of some of the distressing dynamics I experienced previously but then I'm amazed, relieved and sooo grateful when actually my fears dissolve and  individuals simply get on I dont find myself at the centre of the playground being circled by 'the popular gals' or feel I'm this massive problem that needs erasing!  tenseness is expressed honestly but disperses quickly..it's busy , more intense work with an added vulnerability factored in but the team dynamics are healthy for me at the moment....My move is working out better than I could have ever expected.Im fitting in a couple of different yoga classes after work I've never been able to do that before but it's becoming a routine...Yep another self care facet and resilience builder..'routine'.

Early riser?

Well a welcome early rise today... officially I don't think I can call it that as since the clocks went forward and because I'm on annual leave we've not gone to bed till midnight and risen before 9 a.m.....however today I had a nightmare about my old working place ...it was pretty emotional but distanced enough to not have my heart racing and adrenaline pumping or any real tears flowing and so I feel it was just the brain remnants of the distress I felt in response to the behaviours and games played out there and prob a bit of anxiety in play as I return to work next week ... I'm almost looking forward to it as it's my new work place but its a given there'll be frustrations.I keep feeling a bit sad that I've not received any invite to a lovely ladies retirement night out but and I am convincing myself there are other more compassionate reasons for my not being invited and dwelling less on the thoughts it's because 'they all hate me' ..as I'm aware I am partial to 'a bit of victim'...instead I'm focusing on how useful it is to have taken responsibility and how this is having a ripple effect on other areas in my life stimulating change, a capacity for joy and true friendships.I've had some lovely long walks an especially nice one with a good buddy yesterday, ive been to yoga, been decluttering, chatting and just being with Chel and Mel ...not wearing anything on my face or bothering with what i look like, i start good old belly dancing again tonight and am enjoyjng a great balance between doing and just being...ive some art i love that i started and i"m taking mum and aunt j to the coast tomoz  so although ive still sad feelings and a few non useful thoughts hanging around the facts are 'gratitude' and 'self forgiveness' are such useful and certainly a better pair of spectacles to see my beautiful life through.. so viva gratitude and self forgiveness 😀
P.s. must get back into my morning pages

A time of transition

Such a time of transition for all in my lovely small family....the past week or so has been so busy...I moved jobs Chella was made redundant after being under the threat of it for very long time...Mel finishing uni soon has lots of exams and is moving and will have transition also.....I've done an internal examination of fear and anxiety in my journals .... it felt a bit like overkill and some of my thoughts have reflected fear and anxiety and also a new shadow that I will call pride ...yes I think its pride or a sort of hardwired perceived need to be liked by others and included in things but do you know all the non useful thoughts around this are I think why I FEAR.. it's one if the things I need to overcome and I'm getting there and it s gotta be an essential on the journey to greater resilience and freedom.... With  lots of breath work in my yoga, exercising and walking I've felt well prepared and able to cope with this busy almost out of control few weeks. A few bad habits trying to rear there heads as my wee hardwired subconscious attempts to cope with feeling anxious and some annual leave is just the ticket to make sense and try to slow down enough to mindfully 'feel' and examine my wee minds inner landscape.

Aww home....

Marvellous annual leave day today .... started my art journal pages inspired by journal 52 'pet hate' and 'what you love' .......what I love came easily and I started a spread around 'a radiant heart ' because I love a radiant heart it's a little human miracle....

"..... there's a moment in a peaceful and graceful state where deep  sadness and joy gently flows through my body in a safe quite beautiful way....the present can be seen in the light of the past but not 'because of it' and the future is delectably uncertain and that's OK ....the heart is radiant and open ...I love that this can happen it is one of life's miracles....oh I do love miracles..."

What I hate...oh gosh that's a bit harder... I hate my demons in that hardwired brain of mine... and the one at the front of my mind at the moment has been playing because I don't feel safe at work...so I hovered around what made me feel safe in my shadow journal and have to admit my disconnect and isolate myself defense strategy does not work....I can cope with feeling lonely and I quite like the solitude... but it's not a good coping strategy my introverted personality takes over and although it allows me to turn the volume down on negative energy, drama, and start to try to deal with my own emotions....9 times out of 10 I behave poorly and react from a place of anxiety, crossness and misunderstanding and that's what I did yesterday...but I can forgive myself a little easier than I used to do... so what is it I hate....perhaps it's drama,mind games and my anxiety yes that what I hate! I've explored fear and feeling safe in my shadow and dream journal....I think anxiety is my next 'date' gotta be friends with it but not wanting to marry it!
....only 4 working days to go before my fresh start...I did it I survived 5 whole years of drama, stress,  mind games various strong personalities and health probe n confidence issues..I can survive another 5 before I retire somewhere else....that's for sure ...I'm celebrating that self forgiveness its part if my self love x

Art from my week of bliss

Sleepless with thought...

Decisions made quickly today and I can close the door on oppressed and excluded moi and have an opportunity to create a satisfying resilience building experience in a different work place.5 years coming to a close in 2 weeks...what a relief the learning has been immense I'm ready for the 'next leg'. Tenderness acknowledged by few comrades today and the usual neutrality from the 'sea dogs' ....  scratching at my ego but it's all open to perception... it will be over soon.
"The infinity of my soul lost in a whirlpool of thought but allowing myself to accept each feeling caress it and send it on its way....without a struggle I will emerge into the infinity of the night able to close my eyes on a reality that isn't mine..."

Night night sleep tight mind the bed bugs don't bite !

Life Interrupts blogging ......

....spending time with mum by the sea,baking, arting and crazy cat lady duties interrupted my blogging for a couple of days and I think that's pretty healthy...met up with Melu and Lucy last night it was so great to spend time with them...I can see his usual relaxed exterior and lip nibbling masking the inner turmoil about all he's got to get on with to complete his degree...I do feel for him and know it's all part of life ....trying to work stuff out and he's loved and supported so I hope a reminder of that encourages him....and you know we never stop having to 'work stuff out' for ourselves ... I'm doing it and sharing it cos well it's nice to put it out there to the universe with some energy laced with love and gratitude and acknowledging the dark times makes the lighter ones even brighter in my inner emotional landscape!  ....I will savour our night with Mel for sometime .... it is a joy sharing time in the company of that lovely young man that I actually gave birth to.The fact that I had a small part in giving him life makes me feel grateful and soooo blessed...he turns 23 this week...and he's helped me grow as a person and become a better person... love you Mel.

Bedtime blogging...

Slept like a baby last night but still a lot of whirling thoughts...found myself behaving snappily reminded myself of my mum when she's a bit down...and I was instantly aware of it and gave myself a little 'stroke and then a push' to try to acknowledge there's some anger and anxiety around when I think or talk about work! .... went to yin it was nice ....a little more yoga please as I'm a long way away from peace of mind... have arted lots will post them here tomorrow. ..a little bit of mandala practice is needed so am returning to a first stage one and a little circle of self so that that lovely illuminative optimistic second stage might follow ....hoping sooooo loving and accepting it all as it passes....and it will pass 💜

Early morning riser......

O.k.so I indulge myself with non sleep journalling when I've the luxury of a non working day.Its also a bit spesh to blog it....which only do if im feelin that way out and I am at present! I've a sleep journal that my luvli buddy Pauli got me and I journal in it when I feel i can 'afford to' i.e. have the time the next day to sleep in or just do not have to function for the outside world and think I'm working through something I'm ready tooooo...otherwise I lie and deep breathe, do a little imaginative relaxation and doze in and out of sleep jolted by the odd nightmare into a day of grogginess. I occasionally manage to hide this with a smile (although this is becoming less of the norm!) or just try to avoid the taxing connections with extroverts , drama and loudness saving all I have got for clients and getting the job done with perhaps the odd paracetamol for the perpetual  headache.I don't believe I'm the only one who has times like this in fact I know I'm not so its o.k. and is just a part of life....it's also a welcome relief considering every night was like this 3-4 years ago with palpations,  panic lot if muscle aches and pains and a poorly thyroid..prior to that i spent a lot of years simply getting up and weeping whilst i journalled god i must have been so mentally distressed in those days ...I've come a long way and am eternally grateful for the mental resilience that has resulted from those experiences.What comes to mind is I'm missing kula it's like a little sanctuary and to be honest yoga elsewhere is fab but practicing at kula is like being 'home' it enables a connection to source , i only  achieve everynow and again elsewhere...so Wednesday I'm booking Yin and i may even manage a sneaky class late p.m today although not over scheduling today day as haven't slept!.....after all I'm on holiday I can do these things...however i have to acknowledge it's proving hard to wind down completely..... am returning to mi journal to write a little ditty about a little darkness I've got in my heart...nice to share even better to move onwards n upwards so gotta sit in the 'darkness' for a bit 'love me and my sadness and my scars and my sweetness and the opportunity to just be'....

Portraits portraits everywhere...

..well focusing in on a retreat of a week ahead...and some fun portrait practice.... with mixed media...a few unfinished ones in need of some time

Sitting with my moody green goddess

The blessed weekend is here....after a slightly out of sync week with a feverish kind of work hard and then push yourself to work harder mentality to it....mmmm recognise this and my 'addictive focus' sitting in a non useful place this week it doesnt serve me and I'm doubtful it serves others but it does feed a beast that I think is hardwired in fear....fear she's not good enough, fear that something bad will happen to someone if she doesn't work so hard, fear of sitting with other uncomfortable feelings involving others and perhaps what they might be thinking! Oh gosh what a strangeling I am .... a sort of Hogwarts Dobby ....beating myself up along the way ! Im smiling about this because  i am dramatising it .... but what I allow my working life to do to me really needs addressing as this pattern of behaviour exacerbated by the good ole stress response is toooooo automatic and such a go to behaviour coming from shadow ...there was a time only a few years ago when i really wasn't aware of what it was and i'm grateful for the progress ive made in recognising it .I started to transform a frowning pencil drawn portrait into my moody green goddess with the monochromatic and psychedelic prompt from journal 52 this week.A few of my pencil portraits recently are nice moody sad ones ...I really like them The moody and sad part of me is also a layer of shadow in my 40's I felt a shift in accepting this rather beautiful layer of myself and started loving and caring about her! Instead of giving her a hard time or ignoring her all together...although shes not always for public consumption 'in full' I recognise her worth... she could be  hiding a host of other demons and is the beauty of the bunch I think! Soooo my green goddess kind of represents my moody disposition.... oooh i do like her ....and im lucky I have folks in my life who know her, and love and accept her tooo .... im celebrating my moody green goddess...

Everyday Art journaling for january

..soo following my first page setting the theme as resilience for this year.. this is where my 'everyday art journal 'road' has taken me over the last 3 weeks.... the dreams and shadow work is something very different to this journal.....here I journal scratching the surface of my life with awareness but not to much self inquiry ... It's a sort of processing of everyday stuff a way to practice gratitude generate some positive vibes to carry me on .. offer me some affirmation that promotes my health and well being....acknowledging the everyday  resilience I m soooo grateful for ....the deeper stuff is a more awakening journey and somewhere they will overlap,I think, as it seemed to this month with an increased awareness of how fear blocks ..... so I do plan to do a little more with 'my hardwired fears' cosseted by some therapeutic mandala work that enables a sort of safety circle in which to explore the shadows and the light .. the yin and yang... theres something symbolically safe and comforting about the whole represented when working with mandalas.... and i love it ...so not as much t.v. or online searching.... yep some overworking at my paid job (yikes it's a given ) lovely group yoga short walks, adorable companionship of chel, morning pages and caring for a very poorly on 3 of her 9 lives puddy cat... a mixture of sadness, fear and other uncomfortable feelings .....some tiredness and an acceptance of it all as it is the way it is.... x

The weeks arting

Alcohol marker faces collaged onto ink intense backgrounds with mandalas ....water color and prisma penciled eye that was nice to do am also hoping to find a way to collage this image onto some mixed media paper ....more layers coming and some words for conscious collage group....I don't posses glossy mags for collage so am collaging my own images previously created and then going with it....hey its about being creative with what you've got x

Reconnecting with a lovely tune by Brenda mcmorrow

https://youtu.be/E0UhnoVlQBc

Processing some dark

These are messy dark pages with wiggly and wordy contentand strange mandalas and dispersed fragmented bits of divine! I'd used some nvc principles to explore and start to process some difficult emotions that I'd sat with until I journalled about them last week in one of my 'free writers'..I'd questions about whether it was envy that made me feel cross and hard done by...it didn't really sit comfortably. I felt it was about something inside of me that I needed to acknowledge and it was useless to look at others ...despite wishing perhaps others might miraculously be a lot nicer! Although i have to say the situation changes like the tide and the sea and was a out gently lulling for a couple of days last week until I experienced my own 'storm in a teacup' on Friday! Anyway I decided it was 'a yearning ' rather than envy ... dabbling and questioning it helped me get there...I found Benne and Sheates dysfunctional team roles was illuminating and lead to my feeling less like taking things personally or thinking it was my responsibility to put it right in some way which was a relief! ..and of course I also saw myself in the dysfunction as the help seeker and felt very aware of the immobilising effect feeling helpless or in need of help and limited in how to satisfy that 'perceived need' is when it seems like a bottomless pit of helplessness! ....now there's a little more to that and I will explore it as I go more into the shadows as I believe it's only the tip if the iceberg... However for me its about working with it and finding some 'personal 'solutions' at a practical level as I need to function in this crazy environment for at least another 5 years ...so I will continue to take my lessons as they come .... understanding it and journalling about it helps it along and with lots of lovely yoga last week and some gorgeous music by snatam I found enough divine to get through!

Finding the divine....?

I felt the need to describe and maybe explore a little facet of me that I feel  has served me well in surviving and being resilient in the past and in acknowledging this i wonder where it might take me....sooo art journal pages here are around angels and the divine.I do believe that just as my imagination, sensitivity and over active thinking has lead to some challenging brain drain it has also served me well over the years.. from being able to alter my own dreams and nightmares whilst dreaming them to imaging being held safely in the wings of my protective angel when distressed or unable to sleep Ive had an ability to think myself out of  patterns that don't help me or seem to distress me since being a little girl..my imagination and belief in a positive,loving and powerful force has helped turn distressing thoughts and patterns of thoughts around and comfort me through them ....i adore this part of the human condition as we are all capable of it and it is central to my resilience.Im aware in the reality of this crazy world many would seek to criticize or even laugh about it and I have a shadow part of me that has been well and truly illuminated on and been put in its place does this tooo.... im honouring my angels in my pages today.My inner world is often my reality and im sooo grateful for this wee quality thats served me sooo well over the years and probably saved me from emotional and character breakdown ! I'm not religious but I sometimes think this facet of resilience comes from a human need to 'have faith' 'hold hope' and believe in this bigger thing and it's what gets us through difficult times and might be what underpins humankind being attracted to following a religion or faith practice......

Darker shades of light.....

The quick check ins for morning pages is proving to be realistic and a good way of being aware of how powerful feelings and thoughts can be over what seems like truth and this creates an awareness of patterns and how 'truth' can change ... and although Ive known my thoughts are powerful things its nice to breakdown my self created therapeutic process into stages and see how powerful that process can be! soooo everyday journal pages are still full of gratitude and generate positivity which I need soo very much in the strange challenging world that is my working life.Yes I'm triggered by the negative talk and emotion and my own suspicious thoughts about the motivations of the people i work with ...how funny this seems but it feels real and very stressfull! Im examining some specifics in my shadow work and dreams journal ....my resilience is about managing this and having the energy to do my actual work and stay well. The 2 days that are the most difficult are the noisiest,when there are a lot of staff in and also when we have to sit together and try to make decisions....boy it's 'the way it is' I have no control over it and can accept thats the case...i feel i might slip into trying to please everyone which is a dangerous and very stressfull place to be and another facet of the shadow i have thought about..also the changes are pretty scarey so i am actually frightened ...but you know change is change and I'm focusing on what could go right ...but the what might go wrong hangs over me like a dark cloud. I 'notice' a lot and am trying to culture an observers perspective rather than allow it to confuse and upset me...some folks are happier about the changes and those people are easier to be around when they are happy... but I anticipate and can see the beginning of some severe storms and have my life jacket handy....abandoning ship is an option! and it has crossed my mind a couple of times this weekend but the age old saying, and risk, of moving  "out of the chip pan into the fire" comes to mind! Some shadow work journaling was interesting unpicking what I struggle with in others as a very real part of me ...and exploring the qualities of 'envy' as a feeling and the acknowledgement of the thoughts this might generate personally hoping to work toward a shift in my perceptions over time...it's only dynamics....I have some lovely sanctuaries thank you universe xxx

Into the new year....slowly does it.

I completed my journal for 2015 with a last page based on some reflections on my year and expressing gratitude for that amazing year....2016's word is Resilience and I completed the first page of my year journal with a simple spread in which i popped down the practices that keep me well and nurture some resilience in me at present....they are simple and I've itemised them before and they are now my pretty healthy routine of self care strategies like walking in nature, listening to music when relaxing, eating and drinking water regularly yoga,a little dancing etc and are becoming habits that are completely sustainable when I'm well...and just need refocusing on after my health blips.
I did 'dream' a little and set myself a goal that's achievable this year and that was to draw and paint more portraits and develop some more skill in this area.However there's no escaping that what is expected of me in my work and professional role I'm going to have to put time aside in my own life to meet the new guidelines and expectations.I say set time aside because I'm setting boundaries with regard to the amount of time and being specific with regards to what it's used for.I cannot be resentful about this or compare myself to others that fit it into their working day I simply have to get on with it and accept that for now that's what I'm going to have to do.So today on my day off I'm spending 1 hour (only) on a specific item of work resulting in my feeling less anxious when I return tomorrow..

A different approach to Morning pages in my mood journal

I would love to commit to morning pages ... but this has to be in a realistic way and as part of a morning ritual.What stood in my way the last time I did this was time and tiredness! I have pushed myself in the past with morning pages but it put me off a little as I've enough pushing and pressure in my daily life once I enter my work environment and my home and creativity is my sanctuary ....soooo here's my idea morning pages will be a brief check in of how I'm feeling and an affirmation for the day that encourages me to start afresh and be Louise Hay based in focusing on a little self love....I will do this as I drink my morning cuppa...and fit in move a few body stretches and a down dog before dressing...to much change and a morning including more yoga and meditation might come with the lighter mornings in spring but right now I think this might be feasible! It's a start .....and I'm happy with that.

To delight in my dreams I've to sit with my beloved shadows

Loved adding to this journal cover today.....it was raining outside and after a few givens I've had the pleasure of really deciding what it's gonna take to build my resilience and shadow work is going to be central to it....so my 3rd journal encourages my holding that space .