Monday, 6 June 2016

People pleasing shadow

Soooo o.k. I've been pondering and possibly over thinking a few things around 'people pleasing' ! I've been trying to explore all that sits in my shadow around this...initially I felt a bit confused ....because I felt quite distressed about my automatic thinking that others will always take advantage of me because of my inherent softer nature and this was just something I'd have to accept and keep walking away from when I had to for self preservation!...My authentic self is a quirky quite gentle person with a bit of a childlike lustre and others often do not 'get me' and feel very able to tell me so ...which I guess could be viewed as a positive thing as they can simply be their authentic selves in feeling free to express their truth to me and if course truth can change moment to moment day to day month to month year to year !... just sometimes I find this a bit upsetting cos i take it personally and so up she pops ....hey 'little people pleaser hi  n how yer doin' 😕 but am working on it....boundaries and self care are a must.The trigger to look a little deeper into this recently came when someone I like and 'looked up' to described  me as 'nicely naive' or was 'naively nice'.... anyway it doesn't matter now cos that was what they wanted to say and it's not mine to own ....but it did trigger me and I sat with it for a while  it seemed the main issue was that in the discussion she highlighted some people would simply 'not like me' or that aspect of me would get on their nerves 😒😡...a bitter pill to swallow for 'my people pleaser'.
Anyway on the useful side got some self enquiry going and my actually understanding it a bit more about where my 'little people pleaser' came from (..although ive a hard time understanding the manipulative side to it as Ive always been like this and it doesnt seem to have the required effect ! A bit more time with that one I think.....)
Hey little people pleaser this could be where you were nurtured....
My past: parenting based on being good and nice and to care for sibling/others and not rock the boat due to a parent's chronic illness = automatic thinking that being accepted is based on conditional love with a life long dash of low self esteem😐
My experiences of a volatile parent with a degenerative brain disorder who died when I was a teenager (when I had actually had started to assert myself!) And the loss of my amazing male role model granpa who took his own life shortly after I spread my wings and moved away from home = an idea that actually asserting myself and leading any sort of totally independant life may have disasterous consequences which is something i've grown to know is not truth😀 =  I can see were my fear of the consequences of being anything other than pleasing others came from not to mention my immediate guilt when something bad happens! Alongside more issues around abandonment and grief but too complex to write down 😁( my head is often a shed dealing with thoughts around that!)
The emotional memories of being physically and emotionally abused are very vivid and real and can re emerge  when triggered and this is exhausting to deal with if coming at me on a very regular basis.😣😢😳
AnD I MuST aDD i'M NoT tHe OnlY oNE dEAliNg wItH ThIS SorT Of StUfF  wHeN oUT ThErE In ThIS bEautIFully STrANgE LiTtLE wOrld I'M CoNStANtLY RuBbING ShOuLdERS WItH OThEr LOvELY HuMaN BeiNGS WhO HaVE tHeRE oWn ShADoWS AnD StUfF TtOoooo. .. the colorful tapestry of life eh? In day to day life i have this constant awareness that I and others are jostling along with our different ideas about ourselves,others and the world ...all these 'strange truths' phew I feel exhausted just thinking about it let alone carrying it and trying to be my authentic self in amongst it all everyday! There's some lyrics that come to mind from a Sara Barelles  ISLANDS ...'you must become an island'  a metaphorical island mmmm sounds so appealing and that's where i go when I'm arting and walking and doing yoga...been listening to lots of luvli tunes from Karima Francis 'Black' and the demo 'Only human' which I adore!, Lucy Rose, bit of Johnny legend, some soothing Snatam Kaur mantras and of course a bit of Jack ...
When I'm not listening to music I'm listening to the birds and the rustle of the wind in the trees mmm life's sweet it's my 'one life and I'm living it 'real'..the anxiety and all....the sun is shining and I'm scooting out now to flyer for kula (cos I wanna not to please anyone!) and get me some wee bedding plants... simple pleasures on my day off 😚
P.s. the people pleasing I do just because I'm kind doesn't count!!!!!