Thursday, 31 March 2016

Early riser?

Well a welcome early rise today... officially I don't think I can call it that as since the clocks went forward and because I'm on annual leave we've not gone to bed till midnight and risen before 9 a.m.....however today I had a nightmare about my old working place was pretty emotional but distanced enough to not have my heart racing and adrenaline pumping or any real tears flowing and so I feel it was just the brain remnants of the distress I felt in response to the behaviours and games played out there and prob a bit of anxiety in play as I return to work next week ... I'm almost looking forward to it as it's my new work place but its a given there'll be frustrations.I keep feeling a bit sad that I've not received any invite to a lovely ladies retirement night out but and I am convincing myself there are other more compassionate reasons for my not being invited and dwelling less on the thoughts it's because 'they all hate me' I'm aware I am partial to 'a bit of victim'...instead I'm focusing on how useful it is to have taken responsibility and how this is having a ripple effect on other areas in my life stimulating change, a capacity for joy and true friendships.I've had some lovely long walks an especially nice one with a good buddy yesterday, ive been to yoga, been decluttering, chatting and just being with Chel and Mel ...not wearing anything on my face or bothering with what i look like, i start good old belly dancing again tonight and am enjoyjng a great balance between doing and just being...ive some art i love that i started and i"m taking mum and aunt j to the coast tomoz  so although ive still sad feelings and a few non useful thoughts hanging around the facts are 'gratitude' and 'self forgiveness' are such useful and certainly a better pair of spectacles to see my beautiful life through.. so viva gratitude and self forgiveness 😀
P.s. must get back into my morning pages

Thursday, 24 March 2016

A time of transition

Such a time of transition for all in my lovely small family....the past week or so has been so busy...I moved jobs Chella was made redundant after being under the threat of it for very long time...Mel finishing uni soon has lots of exams and is moving and will have transition also.....I've done an internal examination of fear and anxiety in my journals .... it felt a bit like overkill and some of my thoughts have reflected fear and anxiety and also a new shadow that I will call pride ...yes I think its pride or a sort of hardwired perceived need to be liked by others and included in things but do you know all the non useful thoughts around this are I think why I FEAR.. it's one if the things I need to overcome and I'm getting there and it s gotta be an essential on the journey to greater resilience and freedom.... With  lots of breath work in my yoga, exercising and walking I've felt well prepared and able to cope with this busy almost out of control few weeks. A few bad habits trying to rear there heads as my wee hardwired subconscious attempts to cope with feeling anxious and some annual leave is just the ticket to make sense and try to slow down enough to mindfully 'feel' and examine my wee minds inner landscape.

Friday, 4 March 2016

Aww home....

Marvellous annual leave day today .... started my art journal pages inspired by journal 52 'pet hate' and 'what you love' .......what I love came easily and I started a spread around 'a radiant heart ' because I love a radiant heart it's a little human miracle....

"..... there's a moment in a peaceful and graceful state where deep  sadness and joy gently flows through my body in a safe quite beautiful way....the present can be seen in the light of the past but not 'because of it' and the future is delectably uncertain and that's OK ....the heart is radiant and open ...I love that this can happen it is one of life's miracles....oh I do love miracles..."

What I hate...oh gosh that's a bit harder... I hate my demons in that hardwired brain of mine... and the one at the front of my mind at the moment has been playing because I don't feel safe at I hovered around what made me feel safe in my shadow journal and have to admit my disconnect and isolate myself defense strategy does not work....I can cope with feeling lonely and I quite like the solitude... but it's not a good coping strategy my introverted personality takes over and although it allows me to turn the volume down on negative energy, drama, and start to try to deal with my own emotions....9 times out of 10 I behave poorly and react from a place of anxiety, crossness and misunderstanding and that's what I did yesterday...but I can forgive myself a little easier than I used to do... so what is it I hate....perhaps it's drama,mind games and my anxiety yes that what I hate! I've explored fear and feeling safe in my shadow and dream journal....I think anxiety is my next 'date' gotta be friends with it but not wanting to marry it!
....only 4 working days to go before my fresh start...I did it I survived 5 whole years of drama, stress,  mind games various strong personalities and health probe n confidence issues..I can survive another 5 before I retire somewhere else....that's for sure ...I'm celebrating that self forgiveness its part if my self love x