Saturday, 31 December 2011

BREATHE



Hoping to join in with Effy's Book of Days and my word for 2012 is 'breathe'.....

Tuesday, 27 December 2011

Onwards and upwards.......

I have been establishing some balance in my life..............I have been recovering from some minor health issues that have reminded me that happiness is about living in the present and being soo grateful for all the lessons life brings us......I am committing to living life with less emphasis on the past and 'loving what is' to reduce the stress i all to often feel... onwards and upwards it is.

Friday, 18 November 2011

Reflections on the week .......

'What belongs at work stays at work'..... and now i have my days off recouping!yehhhh Today I am sitting in pyjama's not feeling particularly physically well but feeling o.k. with all that life is . I can go slow and although this aternoon is full of all sorts of medical things now i have the days off i can cope with this and organise myself to get by and also have some space to create art and journal to process life too...
"The good life is a process, not a state of being.It is a direction not a destination "- Carl Rogers

So today on my mind is 'Onwards and Upwards' in the direction of my good life (our good lives)....It is a process and direction that goes slow enough for me to be still with the moment perhaps to savour and enjoy or perhaps to learn a lesson from or increase my awareness of old patterns that need to change..... We are all deserving of the 'good life'.

Saturday, 5 November 2011

LIFE IS A VERB - chapter 1 inhabiting my story

Time only seems to matter when it is running out - Peter Strup








This delightful book by Patti Digh and the journey facilitated by the Wild Precious community is inspiring me to create some art journal pages about my everyday life...what better way to hold onto the joy of life in those dark short days of winter! How marvellous to feel it is ok to be a lover of 'story telling' i've albums full of my son and creating albums to hold precious memories for ohers brings me such joy but what about MY STORY i mean my real everyday story...Time can go by so quickly and when living each day as if it where your last, I find i am more able to live it with love and joy! as my mind is only focusing on what is real.... i would choose to live out my last day with remembering to breathe, i mean really breath to take a break when i need one,(my health issues have really made me have to do that and i am truly grateful for the reminder to go slowly and be gentle with myself), to observe and savour every playful exchange i see, let every hostile communication simply roll over my head,be able to speak out be authentic and true to me, enjoy the noise and tones of boyish banter in my house, savour each hug and cuddle, fill up on the feel good of spending time with my mum, observing every lovely facial expression, every little fouble and nuance that makes my friends and relatives the individuals that they are .......oooh i can feel myself living life with more intention already...I've started a first page in my Winter Art Journal for this journey called 'the joy in an urban life' will post a photo later...the background is still drying as it's made up of receipts, bits of letterheads,bits of bills...even have a photo from a CCTV clip me inadvertently sitting in the bus lane when i took a wrong turn in the midst of my brain fog!! and the penalty that came with it.... all a part of my everday life! and i plan to draw a beautiful flower emerging and weavng its way through the medley of everday stuff..cos that's how it is when i'm feeling the joy in my urban life!


here it is udated 18/11/11





I'm writing in my book 'Life is a Verb' and plan to 'alter' it as I think the author Patti Digh would encourges us to do whatever we wanted with the book to make it ours and part of our stroy...i love writing in books! it feels a little naughty..after all books are lovely thing and if it were a someone elses that wouldn't be allowed!but it's mine...and i'd been writing in pencil in the extra wide margins and had filled them with my reflections ..now i'm gonna express a little more in a creative sense and stamp on the pages and embellish and alter them to represent what Patti's words and those gorgeous pages stir up in me ... Thankyou xxxxx

Saturday, 29 October 2011

Chillaxing...

So here we are i now have a break of 3 days which i sooo need.I'm hoping to have a sneaky artists date at my favourite craft store and visit a friend today.Mel is playing football and Chel bless him is away in Zambia with family as dear dear Ismail passed on at the beginning of the week.I would love to post a tribute to beautiful strong and loving Ismail, my mother in law... i need to sit with the sadness about her death and the gratitude to her.. and maybe paint and explore some more around expressing how grateful i am to her and how much i see of her in my beloved chel.So i wish to stay as emotionally still as possible and give my adrenals a rest from the ups and downs that the bodily stresses and strains my depleted thyroxine levels gives them.My treatment plan of acupuncture(beginning of week) , yoga class (mid week), reflex (end of week) and array of nutritional supplements n caffeine free days seems to be paying off...my emotinal state is better but i do feel soo tired and sleeping is still an issue even without Chella's snoring bless him!I'm going to try to adress it as i need to feel rested over the next few days as i've a full 4 days at work to survive next week and it is as it always is!

Thought........



Gee Whizzz i got through the week but boy did i need the reduced hours.I spent my half day in bed and arted a little on my latest pages that i kinda love a lot at the moment (and Effy at Wild Precious featured my pag too which meant the world someone else liked them too!).Most of my journalling has been just pouring out where i am at into my little concertina bound album ...which i've loved doing but it has been more about processing stuff and affirming my next steps...arting them out makes them quite real for me if they sit inside then they kinda stay there and the feeling of stuckness accumulates! I perused Adolie Day's beautiful illustrations and felt inspired to start to draw and then paint and my 'trio of thought' evolved..the pattern of 3 comes up quite a bit and i feel a real satisfaction and balance acknowledging three perspectives to 'things' i can't really explain it but i'll explore it's significance for me over time i'm sure(perhaps it's child, adolescent and adult, or a sort of 'innocence/wonder', soul and spirit).So i've still to complete my pages and I suspect there are no words to go on these pages..this journal is particularly word free there's only one page with words on so far!some ponderings are scribbled on the page but they don't seem to need words they feel expressive in there own right ...and i've 'My Life Sparkles and is Magic concertina album' full of ramblings behind the flaps on each page.... perhaps it all in there!

Thursday, 27 October 2011

just chillin'

I have chilled all week and am a little tired but enjoying Ed Sheeran's new track...soo want his album it is going on my christmas list ! ....

Sunday, 23 October 2011

Preparing for the onslaught!

O.K after a week of vitamins and complemetary therapies i'm trying to address work with revisiting my psychological awareness!...i've always felt i am a pretty good judge of myself and pretty self aware...although this does not make things any easier for me when surrounded by everchanging chaos, conflict and deadlines..or lessen the stress in times of poor health However, i've been scooting around the personality and group dynamics quizzes and there's nothing new here i dooo know myself ...

'Your preferred leadership style is probably as a participative leader. Participative leaders achieve through people, through team work, and through collective involvement in the task. Participative leadership involves building collective ownership and commitment within the group. Participative leaders make people feel valued as an integral part of the team so that everyone achieves the goals through relationships and cooperative teamwork.'
..yep that is me...


My challenge .....
One of the challenges of leadership is finding the right balance between meeting your own preference needs and the needs of the situation. Too much emphasis on the former can lead to poor performance. Too much emphasis on the latter can lead to stress and executive burnout.....well i am pretty sure i fall into the later category hello there stress and burn out!...you are not friends just aquaintances that keep bobbing up for a feast!


Career Score
Nursing 76%
Training 75%
Teaching 70%
Yes I do all these things in my present role..... and am a nurse!
so this quizz made me an ENFJ wheras answering the next one around personality made me an INFJ... a moderately expressed introvert

moderately expressed intuitive personality

moderately expressed feeling personality

moderately expressed judging personality............. my carreer advice focuses around following a career path in counselling ...... so i could probably move closer toward this field in my career but my existing challenge is so how do I make it through work when bombarded by the energies and behaviours of stressed extroverts....a little but unsympathetic voice says YOU JUST HAVE TO MANAGE IT ! So manage it i will..... with the support of the universe and some practical strategies for self care.

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

zoning out with my son!

o.k have given up on making tea, on thinking and trying to plan ...zoning out while Mel flicks through all the various music channels is as good as it gets today...liked these two tunes.x




Loving and supporting myself!









I had some unbearable energy and emotional dips Sunday and early Monday ...and my rational brain told me this is not YOU....I felt soo desperate and quite emotional at the fact this brain fog and moodyness was not moving..even after an amazingly chilled,good time with some loved friends and a massage on Saturday! honestly its a damn roller coaster ride up one minute down the next! Chella had guided me to The Wellness Centre in Leeds a couple of weeks ago... it offerred the opportunity for heavily discounted alternative therapies and the rest of Monday was then serendipitous as if the universe was answering my 'please help me out ' shout...i'm sooo grateful I had a pretty intense session of acupuncture...with a boost in energy levels which kind of interrupted my usual drowsy state and felt sooo positive.I've always been sooo anxious about the whole acupuncture scene i'm much more a REIKI sort of person but I was feeling brave after my 'Whoo whoo procedure' (after all having that done would have shot me into panic mode about 3 months ago but desperation brings about all sorts of courage !)I'm soo grateful to the tutor and students for the session and am returning next week ....I've thyroid friendly vitamins on order ( Vitamin D, 5HTP, CQ10 Enzyme,selenium ,B vits and selenium!)and am reading Dr Shames book Thyroid Mind Power...after surrender comes the emergence of a plan this is the way it is for me ...i have to return to work on Monday and face the stormy waters and relentless 'white horse waves' so need to fix the puncture in my bouyoncy aid to float(seafaring terms again!)

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

sitting with it ...........

Heyyy checking in with my unbridled empathy and why not have some unbridled empathy for myself....am still semi smiling.'whoo whoo' procedure over 'woop woop!' still tired and not quite sure of what it's all about not feeling up to returning to more stress as emotional melting down might just be round the corner...i've survived in pre meltdown mode for sooo long now and when working with other stressed folks it's just so hard for me to keep going ..their respond differently and soaking up other's frustrations and ego energies is just too much right now i just want to either fire it back at them or dissolve into a pool of tears...i just cannot do it anymore ..is it burn out is it work related stress i'm certainly able to feel o.k outside of work it's just when in work my brain and legs are like jelly! in seafaring terms when i'm at work i'm hanging onto the bits of the shipwreck and there's no lifeboat in site...my life jacket needs a puncture repair and i'm suffering from hyperthermia.... at home i'm warm in the light house,wrapped in a soft fluffy blanket sipping a hot drink....waiting on my relatives to take me to the place i belong!

lovin the new snow patrol song..............



Saturday, 8 October 2011

Art journalling... pages without words





I've three pages that i created and i'm struggling to complete them with words...
'Pollyanna' is the first page ....'Freedom'the second i think i'm going to have to accept they have names but not words...so i'm gonna embellish them further and just enjoy them without thinking to hard about the words.

keep on ...keep on..

Yep keep on going... with surrender sitting very sweetly behind my eyes...if i surrender to my brain fog i'm a little scared i may never emerge again..My health is up and down like a yo yo and definitley gets worse with tiredness and stressors...i'm not sure where i am going from here and after another mini emotional melt down on friday i'm trying to pick up the pieces, brave taking a tiny dose of my thyroxine (which gives me the most unbearable pressure headaches at around day 3)cos without it i seem to dip massively now although with it i'm feeling aggitated and as if my head is going to explode ... so i'm waiting on my 'whoo whoo' procedure on Tuesday and have to surrender to more sick time just knowing i'm not doing myself, or others any favours dragging myself into work when i'm like this...caring for others needs when i'm so terribly needy myself is not working anymore...what is going on inside my body i do not know and i'm a little frightened this is it... this is how life is going to be for me forever...i've reseached thyroid probs a little, ordered a book so as to get some explanations for these bizarre mood swings and dips in energy levels..clutching at straws and hopeful that things will improve.

Thursday, 6 October 2011

STEER

I am in the driving seat and i sooo need to steer but someone took my wheel a long time ago! so here i am in the driving seat without a wheel to even steer with where do i start.....first things first i'm getting an idea of how it will feel when i get there and this is how it will feel when i move from a 3 to a 8 i'm holding on for that ! So gonna get some fight in my belly and be prepared to stand my ground for what i know will improve my life.................

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

Wishcasting Wednesday






Autumn......what a beautiful season .... I've comitted myself to a 15 minute walk everyday during my break time at work and i am lucky enough to have a walk through the park nearby where the glorious colours of autumn can be enjoyed...autumn is the most beautiful time of year for walking,taking time,going a little slower... and enjoying nature.I am on a journey of 'self care'! so with this in mind my wish for the fall is to take my time,pace myself,and continue to walk every day enjoying this glorious season .... emptying my mind just for 15 mins of the responsibilities ,planning, and thoughts relating to the stress of life....mmmm this is my wish...
Wishcasting early allows me to take the positivity of my wish through the day with me and check in later around how it felt..i love wishcasting wednesdays.x

Sunday, 25 September 2011

Autumn Equinox






I love the seasons and have an affinity for traditions and rituals around the seasons ....last weekend i started a set of cards that had an end of summer feel to them and i also completed an album that i spent time layering pages with paint and stencils all my album making has been around the seasons for a few week.....autumn is here a beautiful season where i want to walk and walk and walk as the trees have a glorious coppers,reds and browns adorning them and there's something deep about the season that makes you want to just sit and think rather than beaver away!I must post some piccies soon on my sister blog spot of the albums and get my Etsy shop up and running...a little health glitch has caused me to slow down drammatically (alongside the pressures i have felt at work)...i will have to carry on going slow for sometime as i get used to some medis to pep me up and get the ole thyroid functioning as it should.



Imbolc February 4



Vernal
Equinox

March 20

Beltaine
May 5
Summer
Solstice

June 21

Lughnasad August 7

Autumnal
Equinox

9/22 September
Samhain November 7

Winter
Solstice
December 21 December 22


Saturday, 24 September 2011

Kate Rusby 23/9/11

Oh waht a lovely night i st n let a few trickles of smiley tears out and jigged in my seat....shear delight and emotion to Kate Rusby's angelic voice and down earthness of a rue yorkshire lass....She sang under neath the stars as an encore it was soooooo beautiful and a song i'd not heard before called 'Sungraze' i'm desperate to hear it again!

Wednesday, 21 September 2011

Wishcasting Wednesday




It is so long since i last visited wishcasting it became a 'ritual of positivity' in my life so with that in mind i am joining in and hope to wishcast weekly as did last year...........

Jamie asks ...What do you wish to immerse yourself in............... I wish to immerse myself in 'laughter'.....'giggles' and eventually 'self care' and positivity.





This week is already a hard week at work and i wish it did not take over my whole life so...today i worked yet another long long ,what felt like over worked day, trying to meet the expectations of 'the service'....my nerves are frazzled and I could feel so hopeless about ever being able to have any work life balance and yet the organisations publicity are devoting a week to celebrating work life balance and someone somewhere is achieving it !or why else would they be giving time to it! as i do not lend myself to the monster of cynicism or blaming of others i again find myself 'feeling depressed' at the prospect of having to take full responsibility for the fact it is 'I' who choose to work so hard (that is what the organisation says)It is 'I' that chooses not to take lunch breaks and it is 'I' that chooses to work late to complete the job and it is 'I' that is more than aware of the disciplinary procedures that will be the consequence of not achieving what the organisation says must be achieved ...'rock and a hard place' is an underestimation of how distressing this feels....... Although i soo loved what one of the girls said today at work at our team meeting in amongst all the serious stuff ...(ohhh i'm soo grateful for the laughs we manage to have when we actually have time to breathe)
I find that when things are really as uncontrollable,confusing and exhaustingly crazy as this laughter is the thing that gets you through the day........

Wednesday, 14 September 2011

Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability | Video on TED.com#.TnC7ggkGY5I.facebook

Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability Video on TED.com#.TnC7ggkGY5I.facebook

Vulnerability......... i want to explore this some more..being vulnerable means tears will be shed, heartache will be felt,voices will be raised, dialogue will be had...it offers the opportunity for living ones life authentically it opens your eyes to pain, injustice, suffering and also allows one to see beauty, feel joy and deep love....... i am vulnerable and i am enough x

Saturday, 10 September 2011

smilebox time to remember our time on Cote D'azure








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A Little 'Arty' Adventure

An intense but enjoyable few days on the Cote d'azure.......were a tree hug came in handy to escape the hustle bustle and intensity of our escapades.... Whilst i was here a sought a little sanctuary in my sketch book and discovering some french artists i can't wait to be inspired by!
Nicolette Ceccoli , Adolie Day, Mijn Shatje, Mila (Bohumila Gablasova)
and Gaelle Boissonnard



Monday, 29 August 2011

A simply wonderous life.....

Oh wow i am feeling like 'home bird' and loved up .....my Chel returned from Zambia with family stories and full of hopeful enterprise... I missed him soooo much and now he is back i feel whole again...my boyz are bickering infront of the television i have company in the kitchen and there's lots of 'love you's' and hugs n kisses ............yes this is the life I love.... my exta-ordinarily simple life...My first good crop of cooking apples have been given away to friends and work colleagues and i have been cooking apple crumble to 'die for '...yummy yummy yummy scrummy life i love you..........

Wednesday, 24 August 2011

EOAJ Spirit Week - progress so far




It is the final guided week for Elements ....although self guided study continues and Jeanette House is available to those self studying....sooo pretty tempting to stay on....I have really enjoyed elements it's been a super journey....I have moved from passivity to a more energetic state...and some pretty great things have happened along the way.I think alongside 'my' changing 'my life' is going to change too! For this week I wanted to create pages underpinned by 'beloved angels', Michael, Chamuel, and Hadraniel .However, the quest was on to find a goddess or saint that embodied these angelic qualities for me right now. I connect with irish celtic roots...i am told there are irish family roots on my paternal side but i cannot be sure about these as my grandparents left very little 'story'.... however, I came across 'Brighid' and loved her resilience and qualities and with her in mind I created my page goddess to embody the quality i most want to see in myself, that of confidence...not human confidence from the 'ego self' but a 'divine' confidence, allowing me to express my truth when i need to, live an authentic life and accept myself and who i am ...... I loved creating this page ....the colours are not those i would usually choose to representive spirit..i tend to thinkof transparent purples, hazy/ fluffy finishes and white but my Brighid had gleaming green eyes and a ruby red flurry of hair in celtic styled knots...she is surounded by birds perching and in flight...they are free and she has an air of calm confidence about her I adore....i wish to add a mirror element to the page as i loved the idea of seeing oneself in the page ...my mosaic mirror pieces are on their way and i'll be sticking them in my page shortly until then here she is............

Elizabeth Gilbert on nurturing creativity | Video on TED.com

Elizabeth Gilbert on nurturing creativity Video on TED.com



love it......... love it .............

Thursday, 18 August 2011

Coaching.......




I've just had my very first coaching session with Effy.....oh wow i am full of hope about how the future looks for me...To have someone you respect and look up to believe in your ability to change...and then that 'amazing person' having the skills and resources to actually empower you to change and then offer to be at the side of you whilst you change... These are the first thoughts i have about what i'm about to endevour upon with guidance from Effy........thankyouuuuuuuuuuuuu for believing in my ability to grow.The start of my journey in learning how to balance my 'unbridled empathy'....

Sunday, 14 August 2011

EOAJ Fire Week



This was a great experience....The Fire emotion I chose was anger...mainly because i had an experience recently that had stirred up angry feelings ..not initially ..initially I felt tearful and self blaming but whilst trying to process the situation i became angry and because of fire week i indulged myself and actually allowed myself to express it on my pages! It has been one of the most empowering thing i've done for ages..and resulted in me feeling more alive..

Saturday, 13 August 2011

Moving on ....

I'm going to Whitby today ....to walk by the sea and take photographs and it's a full moon tomorrow so gonna get in the right place in my head and send out some massive healing vibes....may even be able to join in with Effy's art challenge for Sunday and put it all together on an art journal page.


Friday, 12 August 2011

a variety of opinions on the riots..

It is so very sad and distressing to have heard about the rioting in big cities over Britain...some have been so very effected and there are some very strong opinions about the riots and those rioting but not a lot about the causes and how we might look at how things could change to prevent this escalating as it is likley to happen again. 'BBC three live' have had a great program enabling people to express there various opinions on the riots ...its 'young people's question time' I'm soo pleased to be hearing these sorts of debates about all the issues that underpin young people feeling so disenfranchised from society at large... it is such a massive societal issue....and a lot more complex than the politicians try to promote...there are some amazing young people... a good point was made about the out of proportion punishment some of the rioters are getting in relation to the 'non real' consequences the government have actioned against the banks and there own politicians who's 'criminal actions' have stolen billions of pounds from all of us.. The politicians need to listen instead of rushing into all these changes... there needs to be more listening full stop! one young person who has never been in trouble before was given a prison sentence for stealing 3 bottles of water costing around £3.30...lets face it he is a statistic now and his record is marked for life!I am not excusing the behaviour but perhaps the legal system is creating an even greater problem for the future having punished him in this way.. If I can get a clip of this show i will it's ....it was passionate ...Nobody was excusing the behaviour but some were trying to understand it...and when you look at why it has happenned you realise this has been building up for sometime.. I've been feeling sooo angry recently about work issues we are all feeling it...but at least i am able to earn a living (i might be burning out with the amount of work there is but hey i've got to take control of that!) someone on the show mentioned 'economic slavery' and 'no sense of belonging to community' and the problems the 'societal culture of materialism' has resulted in...
Stop giving 'excuses' David Cameron look at the 'causes' LISTEN...TO PEOPLE...I tried to have my say in the lobby to stop nhs cuts but you just know this governemnt do not have the capacity to care they've been raised in very privileged families and educated with the elite at Eton for goodness sake they cannot possibly know about how it is to be a part of a disparate underclass (other than a distant perspective they might have studied in a social policy degree!)and lets face it they have been raised to think that they are better than most people anyway and their 'party' exists on this belief that some have to be very poor and some should be very rich......things have to change or there are going to be massive consequences..



Sidney Sheldon has some interesting things to share on you tube but it isn't possible to link to his clip (UK Riots 2011- Sheldon Thomas (Target Against Gangs) -- Gavin McKenna (Ex-Gang Member))











Kate Rusby concert



sho heen





Today i was reminded of how i love to listen to Kate Rusby 'The Barnsley Nightingale'
She is playing in York and i'm hoping my mum isn't away as i'd love to book tickets and for us to go together to see her........

Monday, 8 August 2011

Music to start Fire week EOAJ

a slow burner but a firey end ...






Water Page EOAJ



As I created my page i remember the wise guidance from Sheila ..in fact for a moment i thought i needed her guidance again ...i remember this lovely piece about whirlpools and do you know it made so much sense to me ... I simply went down and stayed still enough to slip out at the bottom... aways a little scary on the way down but hey....i also remember my mums heart felt words of 'It will pass'..things can feel so raw so intense but 'they do pass'.

Whirlpools
In rivers, particularly when they are flooded, in the rains,
many whirlpools are created, very powerful and strong.
The water moves round and round like a screw.
If you are caught in it,you will be forced,
pulled towards the bottom,and the deeper you go the stronger the whirl becomes.
The natural tendancy of the ego is to fight with it.Of course because it looks like death,
and the ego is very much afraid of death.
The ego tries to fight with the whirl,
and if you fight with the whirl in a flooded river,
or near a water fall where many whirls exist you are lost,
because the whirl is very strong,you cannot fight with it.
Violence won't do-
the more you fight with it the weaker you become
because the whirl keeps on pulling you,and you are fighting.
With each effort to fight you are losing energy.Soon you will be tired and the whirl will suck you downwards.
And this is the phenomenon of the whirl:
on the surface the whirl is big:the deeper you go the smaller and smaller the whirl becomes-
stronger but smaller.
and nearly at the bottom the whirl is sooo small
You can simply get out of it with no fight.
In fact the whirl itself throws you out, near the bottom.
But you have to wait for the bottom.
If you start fighting on the surface you are done,
you cannot survive.
Source: The Grass GrowsBy itself: Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh.

Friday, 5 August 2011

What has happenned to my MOJO?





I want to blub and blub and blub! i could be so very negative and just pour forth with a multitude of non useful thoughts but do need some emotional release all come from a very self defeated part of me...and the little girl part of me that was always told how little confidence she had at school..those teachers voices are so loud and clear in my head right now...yes that wee girl is still present in this 46 year old woman!I have lost my confidence in myself and my abilities and yet i kind of know i'm o.k and can be gently confident... but I have just had it verbally fed back to me after an interview......and became aware of it as i lost momentum and started to disappear into a whirlpool.. of lostness during the interview!i am sort of grateful for the learning that will come from this but hearing it from others is hard.....Hoping some life coaching with Effy and some long awaited changes in my life will move my journey forth.....EOAJ Fire week i am soooo needing you to stoke those embers and get that energy moving!I am just finishing off my Water page and will post as soon as it is completed.Thankyou for listening universe.

Wednesday, 27 July 2011

...more thoughts for EOAJ Water week



FREEDOM .............. this is what comes to mind as a result of my sitting with the feelings I have.In the first instance i think i just wish to be free of all the thinking..the tense head and tiredness! hey some days are good somedays less good.However, I know it's because things have got to change...things really have got to change and they will...............


I sat last night and free wrote on my journal pages and the feelings found there way onto the pages in the form of words like...
FEAR of so many things........these could potentially could rule my life but i usually manage this feeling well nowadays.. That's o.k I recognize that and have done for many years and i'm pleased with the way i've evolved ..with a lot of work can i say.. to 'feel the fear and do it anyway'...i was well conditioned and also had a few experiences as a child and young woman that potentially reinforces my FEAR.

FRUSTRATION with my limits rather than other people's.Expressing myself verbally is potentially a real challenge in certain situations...I am surrounded by some very strong personalities and it's hard to feel as I am heard.I just have to accept and acknowledge I am responsible for being heard if i really need to be.

GRATITUDE for my life is the other big feeling.I have this life and I have a small circle of people who love me and really know me, i'm blessed to have had a child, to be a mother and to have a home and employment that earns me a living.

DESIRE to change some things in my life coupled with the FRUSTRATION of perhaps not quite being sure of how to do that....(boy i need fire ! to fuel that DESIRE but it is a feeling i've had in the past and i've made things happen... how did i get this far without that ...)

It's soo important, just as Effy says, to think of the positive personal qualities we have when completing our exercise for water week..everyone has these qualities...they're often very individual and can be the simplest unseen things ... I want to acknowledge that ever since i was a wee girl i had the amazing abilty to create and imagine stuff.....esecially to transform negativity into positivity...o.k as a grown up that ability has evolved and has been challenged but do you know it is something about me that persists! It doesn't mean i'm always happy, and some people do not understand me and they don't like it ... it does take energy and time and reflection and 'imagination' most times but it's how i want to live my life...i feel meloncholy,sad,hurt, envious and angry, but there's this warmth inside somewhere deep inside that generates 'something' that stops those difficult feelings being bigger than i am ...it is my friend and I am sooo grateful to it....I am sooo grateful to MY ABILITY TO TRANSFORM MY OWN NEGATIVITY INTO POSITIVITY....
gotta start shining.....

Monday, 25 July 2011

EOAJ Water week




I am a sitting with the 'deeper flow of emotion' right now in relation to my thoughts for water week.I revisit these feelings regularly..my eyes have watery glaze and my face and temples ache.. tired with all the thought and energy this takes... some down time is needed.I want to light a candle and relax in a lavender scented room with a snuggle blanket listening to some deeply relaxing music....i'm a little at sea and need to find myself a rope or life jacket!......... tapping into some universal love is what i need to do right now and I know there's an abundant supply out there it's just about quietening those 'fast running waters'and fitting myself with a suitable bouyancy aid ..i can see it reflecting off the waters surface i just need to 'doggy paddle' over and feel it...xxxxx

'Love is the only thing that is 'really' real'


Thursday, 21 July 2011

EOAJ Air Week


This weeks art journalling feels as if it has really 'got things moving' for me.I now have a copy of Deborah Lipps,The Way of Four...it's a revelation! going that bit deeper into to understanding the elements and how they relate to my personality and some of the issues in my life is pretty breath taking.The week has been one of serendipitous happennings... in relation to my journey with the elements this was exploring the fifth Chakra (throat Chakra) which i've still to finish an art journalling page on...It was a powerful realisation that this chakra is of major significance to me and my attention to balancing it a really important part of my journey.I made an error with my heat gun in my art journalling that resulted in the and the 'breathe' page and 'throat Chakra' page becoming stuck together...result was i had a deep space in the nasal passage of the drawing in my first page and what i call an 'exploding chakra' on the next page!! ..sounds a little off beat i know but thats how i saw it! and i perceived it with a little magical thinking as usual(the 'harmless Cazzy' sort of magical thinking)and it affirmed where i was at with this journey. I then found myself with a copy 'Spell book' by Deborah Lipp as well as the one we are using to explore the elements...that seemed to have significance as well and real food for thought.Exploring my elemental balance it was no surprise to me, and probably everyone who knows me, that my strongest element is 'water' followed by a small and even score of'earth' and 'air' with a weakness in 'fire'.
Pheww what a week of mindful thought and contemplation quite exhausting emotionally but stimulating to my enquiring mind.


Love to you Effy more gratitude vibing your wayxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

Tao of Motherhood

Two of my favourites from Vimala Mclure's Tao of Motherhood

Oneness

Tao is the oneness of all things.
You and your child come from One and journey toward One.
You are essentially the same.
Right mothering springs from this knowledge: the One in either responds to the One in both.
The bond is oneness, and cannot be broken.
When doubt and uncertainty arise,return to this simple truth.
Be in oneness, and the illusion of separateness dies.
Be still and allow unity to be revealed


Detachment
Like the eternal Tao, a wise mothergives birth but does not possess.
She meets the child’s needs yet requires no gratitude.
Observe how great masters raise up their dearest disciples.
Observe how nature raises up the plants and animals.
Great teachers take no credit for their students’ growth,
yet they will go to any length to teach them what they need to know.
Nature requires no praise, yet it provides for the needsof earth’s inhabitants.
Mother is the reflective principle,the balancing agent for the child.
Like a guru, she allows the child to make mistakes and loves the child without condition.
Like nature, she allows consequences to unfoldand balance to be restored when it is lost.
She intervenes only when the right use of power is required.

TEOAJ Earth Week 1






Mmmm I like the feel of the earth under my feet and the colours of nature....and as I lay on the ground listening to some drumming at a local family festival ...feeling the sun on my face and the deep cool earth beneath my back I felt a gorgeous desire to simply melt into the earth ...my initial thoughts in respect of these feelings and the clustering from orientation week made me think of the statements 'I am the ground', 'I am at one with the earth' .However, with deeper reflection on the relationship I have had with my body I had to be honest with myself and acknowledge that my relationship with my body has not always been a positive one.




As an adolescent I didn't treat my body well or with respect.I also strived throughout early womanhood to control it, mould it and use it in extreme ways, even the exercise I did was harsh, and almost punitive.Later on in womanhood throughout my childbearing years I felt immense loss and disappointment with my body, as I felt it failed me a number of times.However, when motherhood eventually came a 'new relationship' dawned, not immediately as it took time. I learnt more about myself ..I explored self nurturing and started to heal the parts of me I needed to in order to be a 'whole person'. The drawing I made as part of this page is symbolic of this and I felt compelled to use it for TEOAJ. This image of the african lady cradling a baby has always aroused a lot of emotion in me and alongside a poem called 'Oneness' from the Tao of motherhood by Vimala Mclure I had used it in a previous project of personal growth.I feel that now I have a sort of comfortable ease and desire to nurture my body and be gentle with it I choose Yoga and a walk over running and gymn work..if I do physically exert myself I make sure I'm fed and watered and rested!...in times of stress it is still all so easy for me to become 'disconnected' from my body.Disconnecting and not hearing what my body needs is such a weakness of mine, my enthusiasm , passion ,focus on a goal seems to release an obsessive trait that 'drives me' but also knocks me out of balance so easily and I need grounding! I think the curly roots in my page represent how important that grounding and securing myself to the earth is. A recent episode of poor health has reminded me I must listen to my body' ... look after 'her' put her needs first sometimes... 'she' must be 'sea worthy' and able to 'weather the storms of life'....she is my vessel the vessel in which my spirit resides and from which my life force flows..... and so 'My body is my vessel' .....my very precious vessel.

Monday, 11 July 2011

TEOAJ Orientation week












This is the first ever Art journalling course I have ever taken...and wonderful Effy's is our amazing teacher....I am loving all Effy's guidance she has put so much time, energy, heart and soul into producing this course and it is fantastic.As always when I art I reflect on many things and this is expressed through what I create... sometimes it's pretty and sometimes it's not!.....That's why Wild Precious is a real haven to create and feel safe and supported to create what you wish or need to create... I am trying to play with the colour red in my journal as in my clustering from week one I found I'd lost my connection to the fire element a little and red is the colour i associate with it.






I love the layering process I am more able to take risks and try things out as heyyy it's 'layerable overable' if it doesn't quite go how you thought it would.This back cover isn't quite finished I will finish it throughout the course ....ERTE the sea goddess is one of my favourite stamps.Mermaids, fairies and magic are a big part of my imagination and creativity so had to be included.I collect shells, crystals, bits of sea weathered glass,leaves and wanted to used them in this adventure so added a few using some gel medium to secure them.I used some 'mica' scales in first page all shimmery and shiny, they were lovely to stick on with fingers......... yep plenty of sticky fingers doing this it was a scrumptious experience...










































I tried my hand at drawing small lotus flowers in the centre of the cut outs,and wove the celtic prayer to the nine-fold elements around the inside of this first page....I felt the prayer accurately reflected the power of the elements in supporting my life force.Acknowledging this created a real sense of appreciation of nature....and a desire to simply soak up the suns rays,feel the earth beneath my bare feet, the breeze on my face, hear wind rustling through the trees, and see the colours in a more vibrant way outdoors mmmmmmm a lovely refreshing feeling.







Thankyou Effy xxxxx

Friday, 8 July 2011

EOAJ

I have slept and 'ping' after a single 'mucron tablet' I feel a little surge of energy...Thinking about the elements i find i'm attracted to my celtic heritage and i stumbled across this prayer that i resonated with around what i feel the elements mean to me so at last i feel i found something to write on my first page that satisfies my oneness with the elements.......


Ancient Celtic Prayer to the Nine-Fold Elements

I arise today
through strength of heaven,
light of sun,
radiance of moon,
splendour of fire,
speed of lightening,
swiftness of wind,
depth of sea,
stability of earth,
firmness of rock.

Memories to help this pass....


I am not well and i could spiral into a decline in my head very easily as this is the third time in the space of 4 weeks i've had a nasty virus and i'm worried about my health......i am anaemic and have a ferratin level of 1 so know that with some iron this is going to get better so the only way to deal with a situation i have little control over is to focus on something good ..in this instance it is this photograph from our holidays...
The afternoon pictured was idyllic i said to Chella this was my favourite moment of our holiday...we sat and ate her with a sea view after an amazingly long walk from one fishing village to the next down the South coast of Tenerife near Los Gigantes...I swam in the sea prior to us sitting and relaxing watching the sun set here as we ate and drank...this remeinds me of everything that is wonderful about life and living...easygoing time walking eating simply and being with the person you love and know is your soulmate.....I need to remind myself right now as i am feeling sooo very very poorly there are moments i just feel i'm never ever going to get better again and it is making me sad perhaps i need to art a little, but energy levels are low so sleep is more needed i think.In the meantime i'm going to remember this day the warm energising sun the relaxed environment i am going to fill my heart and soul with as much goodness from that memory as I can.Love life and sooner or later it will love you back.

Thursday, 7 July 2011

Tribute to Uncle Eddie ...'Gilly'

I attended my uncle's funeral yesterday and it was a really touching positive experience...i've fond memories of uncle Eddies smiley face and easy going manner....I last saw him at the beginning of his journey suffering from Alzheimers...he still bore some resemblance to the Eddie i had known then but he had a ten year journey and passed away quietly with Barbara, Sharon and my mum last Monday evening.....there were over 200 people at the funeral he had touched so many lives in his shortened life what a privilege to have known Eddie

http://www.yorkpress.co.uk/sport/other/outdoor/bowls/9127257.Tributes_from_bowling_community_for_former_champ/

Sunday, 3 July 2011

EOAJournal Cover


Above is my progress so far with the cover of my Art journal for Elements...hope i've not 'jumped the gun' a bit but I have been desperate to try out 'Coffee and bubble wrap backgrounds' and to use some of my favourite stamps and handmade papers for Elements!



I have a real desire to have a sparkle in silver and gold throughout what I am creating for the course.I also am experimenting with layers of tissue paper here and stazon ink and pigment inks..i find the pigment inks bleed when i seal them with mod podge...unless i'm sparing and turn the tissue reverse side up with the ink actually underneath !

Yesterday Chel and wandered round the Food Fest in Leeds and some craft stalls...I found some paper that really drew my eye and i covered another of the recycled composition books into another journal...all bright an breezey just love the colours an design of the gift wrap and had to share it with you....


Both of my journals will have a band or strap around them to keep them closed i created one that was adjustable for the wrapping paper covered journal as i know they get pretty bulky as the pages are created!

Here's the start of my first page...inspired by Effy's video and incorporating the colours for the elements and the handprints...still more to add here but wanted to share my progress so far as next weeks blog entry will be a shorter one due to family committments...



Love to all at Wild Precious creative vibes to all in the studio xxxxxxxxxxxx

Saturday, 2 July 2011

Elements of Art journalling Course






Am working on the clustering activity and creating my semi prepped composition book for Elements of Art Journalling Mmmmmmmmmmmm started yesterday with a yoga session last night after finishing work..really needed that and felt the benefits straight away.Then this morning watched darlin' Effy's videos and guidance.I am sooo looking forward to this and will post my finished handprepped Art Journal later on this week.

Friday, 17 June 2011

Altered Perspective



I created this double journal page for the beauty of sorrow blogspot.Underneath the first layer of Gesso are my morning pages for TAW describing some of my journey through personal sorrows....from being a wee girl through adolescence into motherhood and... shall we say 'beyond'.I usually 'busy myself' with being concerned with other people's sorrow's and although aware this is something folks 'like me' do it was still hard for me to go back and reconnect with my difficulties around bereavement and loss...Each layer on the faces painted felt affirming.I am new to art journalling the pages felt beautiful and affirming of my journey. I reconnected by reading my old journals/diaries and browsing my old photo's it was a sad process but the emotion was not as raw as even a few years ago the process was sooo acknowledging for me of my own healing and the 'beauty of sorrow'.

Sunday, 12 June 2011

A Poem from the Past

I soo had to rack my brains to find this poem...TAW morning pags were hard today and this poem was sat in my memory banks as needing to be found...thankyou for the help from a Wild Precious friend i found it ....



Come Back

Deep inside,
behind that heavy knee I've got today,
lies another, smaller knee,
a little dirty, and scraped.
And within my fingers, all five of them,
lies a small hand, another one,
still a bit anxious, but warm.
And far inside my skull,
in the innermost part,
other thoughts are tingling,
odd and small ones, almost wrapped up tight, but they're still
breathing. Full of expectation, almost of joy.
Sometimes they itch -
they want to come out and play
hide-and-seek with me. Often - often.
But then they're suddenly gone. I can't
find them. So many years have passed,
so many layers of time
have settled over everything.
--- But come on back. Come on,
we'll run and hide,
every one, every one.

Rolf Jacobsen (1907 - 1994)

Regenerate




MMMMMMMMMMMmmmmm sweet sleep...

Embracing my Wonkiness!



Finishing a journal page and requiring some reflection and a little Paloma to find my way through it ..............



Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Art for your soul .....




These three are such favourite creations of mine...they started out as graphite and graphitint drawings then after clear gesso'ing' over them i used acrylics to colour the faces pitt pens and then layered the backgrounds with stamped images and some watercolour crayons between around 3 clear gesso layers...and some dustings of cosmic shimmer minerals over a stencil there might be more to add and i would like to use them in some way as album covers or in journal pages .........

Elements of Art Journalling

The pre class guidance is up and I have at last joined the part in my 'wonky better late than not at all' style...

Thursday, 2 June 2011

Alfred Joyce Kilmer Poetry




Trees

I think that I shall never see A poem lovely as a tree.
A tree whose hungry mouth is prest Against the earth's sweet flowing breast;
A tree that looks at God all day,And lifts her leafy arms to pray;
A tree that may in Summer wear A nest of robins in her hair;
Upon whose bosom snow has lain;Who intimately lives with rain.
Poems are made by fools like me,But only God can make a tree.





In Memory

Love is made out of ecstasy and wonder;Love is a poignant and accustomed pain.

It was grief that made Mankind your lover,And it was grief that made you love Mankind.
The song within your heart could never riseUntil love bade it spread its wings and soar.
Love is made out of ecstasy and wonder;Love is a poignant and accustomed pain.It is a burst of Heaven-shaking thunder;It is a linnet's fluting after rain.
Because Mankind is glad and brave and young,Full of gay flames that white and scarlet glow,All joys and passions that Mankind may knowBy you were nobly felt and nobly sung.Because Mankind's heart every day is wrungBy Fate's wild hands that twist and tear it so,Therefore you echoed Man's undying woe,A harp Aeolian on Life's branches hung.
Your eyes, that looked on glory, could discoverThe angry scar to which the world was blind:And it was grief that made Mankind your lover,And it was grief that made you love Mankind.

Tuesday, 31 May 2011

Monday, 30 May 2011

Art journaling with Tam

http://willowing.ning.com/group/theheartofart/forum/topics/art-heart-healing-week-1
I do not now why i haven't found this before.....wow some instruction from Tam !
A new journal for this one....

Lovely Times








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Wishcasting











I sooo love to wishcast.............I wish to have holiday time away from everything at least twice a year....that's what i wish for my health.Breaking that down to what was great about my recent holiday and sooo good for my health is the followong

Feeling sunshine in my face and on my back.
Waking when i feel i want to and arting to start my day.
Doing Yoga each day.
Walking everywhere.
Just sutting and letting time pass looking out to see or at people passing by.
Spending quality time wit my Chel

Sunday, 29 May 2011

Wild Precious Elements of Art Journalling







Pictured above is my very first Wild Precious Art journal. I made it myself for my work on Wild Precious.I prepared the pages with white gesso and neo colour watercolour crayons it's not full yet but is getting there...i've some nice pages coming up inspired by the existing groups in the Wild Precious Studio.Since joining Wild Precious Studio my creative energy has shifted and I find myself tapping into a deeper part of my creative self that i was perhaps a little wary of..it has been a truly liberating part of my creative journey so far.I hope to be participating in EFFY'S Elements of Art Journalling Course.I will be on board for July with this new journey in Art Journalling supported and facilitated by Effy.The studio and community at Wild Precious is a safe and nurturing envirnoment to practice authenticity in your art...i will be joining the course thankyou Effy x









Evolving.......beyond the past





Oh wow i've had such a great week off ..i've arted, chillaxed and loved and just had a fantastic time...

However, i also spent time reflecting on an experience, which has taken around a week to process and recover from ....On our outbound flight we sat behind 'a couple' they seemed just an ordinary couple and were just ordinary ...as our 4 hour journey progressed things deteriorated between the couple.. alcohol was involved but i would hasten a guess that their behaviour was probably quite normal for them...(i'm just acknowledging that what happenned is a 'real' and a part of everyday life for some folks ..for lots of folks but not minimising it)...we were sat very close and during the descent of plane their argument became quite physical...and even more verbally aggressive..he punched her leg a couple of times and grabbed her nose and started to shout about her being too drunk ... i missed a lot of what was actually being said as i plugged myself into my music player to cope as we were up in the sky and fastened into our seats for the descent... it was distressing cos ordinarily i probably would have handled it in 'some way' but i felt powerless...i could see her face she looked 'confused' almost 'little girl like' in her reaction to his hurting her... seeing and perceiving what was going on from this 'little girl perspective' was really distressing for me as i revisited once again a gush of emotions including the fear and frustration i felt as a child and early teen... and memories came back to me from my past.. I'm not going to go into too much detail as i was still 'present' as the '46 year old woman' and 'airline customer '...O.k what i wanted to do was press the call button but the air hostesses but my inner child was in 'protection mode' and the air hostesses had been passing by for the last part of the flight oblivious and didn't seem to see the situation build up! We had to sit through it! it felt really wrong ...only a few other passengers were expressing their alarm all dealing with it differently some likening the continued barage of abuse to something off the Jeremy Kyle show ......it didn't feel right i felt quite sick to my stomach.. from my fear came a degree of 'useful and measured anger' and i did verbally question airline policy and report it to the 'unassuming' air hostesses as we stepped off the plane after the couple. I had to do the same again on the inbound journey in a proactive way and a non judgmental way 'cos again they seemed a nice enough couple..Chel supported my needing to be proactive and he agreed it needed addressing as i think he could see me going into anxiety melt down when I saw them infront of us for the return journey! I deal with that sort of stuff in my work but it was different i didn't have any power as a 'person' as i was not in a 'professional role'. I did all i could hve done, it doesn't feellike enough but i'd waited after the outbound journey until i saw the woman away from the man and i tried to talk a little and encourage her to stay safe ...but i knew it was all a part of her life and almost probably for my benefit i did that ... It was my feelings and my actions i needed to reflect upon throughout the week .... these varied from my wanting to report it to the police to complaining to the airline ..just doing nothing was only ever a fleeting childlike thought considered for a moment and I knew would involve me having to contain my profound anxiety (which i do not do well as a maturer woman.... why is that!)...passing on the responsibility is not my thing..accepting the responsibility for everything is! I want to evolve enough to find the middle ground .....am i making more of this that i need to? probably but hey life is more beautiful when the journey is shared...............
Thankyou universe for all of life's experiences...but please can i not have that one again for a while.....

Thursday, 19 May 2011

Mary Oliver » Mary Oliver reads Mornings at Blackwater

Mary Oliver » Mary Oliver reads Mornings at Blackwater

A little wishcasting

http://jamieridlerstudios.ca/wishcasting-wednesday-what-dreams-are-you-wishing-for

I am wishcasting .......late as usual but it is such an important pat of my week i missed it sooooo much when i didn't do it.. OOOh dreams I am dreaming of enjoying 'the bliss in life'......arting is a really important part of my bliss and soo is being close to those i love and those who love me...I am dreaming of taking the time to breathe and enjoy moments of bliss.These are the dreams i am wishing for ........

“Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”Marcel Proust

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

The eyes are the window to my soul

just needed to share my drawing /painting as it built up over a few days ...loved creating this it's an 8 x8 sized piece and i really like it ........