Saturday, 29 October 2011


So here we are i now have a break of 3 days which i sooo need.I'm hoping to have a sneaky artists date at my favourite craft store and visit a friend today.Mel is playing football and Chel bless him is away in Zambia with family as dear dear Ismail passed on at the beginning of the week.I would love to post a tribute to beautiful strong and loving Ismail, my mother in law... i need to sit with the sadness about her death and the gratitude to her.. and maybe paint and explore some more around expressing how grateful i am to her and how much i see of her in my beloved chel.So i wish to stay as emotionally still as possible and give my adrenals a rest from the ups and downs that the bodily stresses and strains my depleted thyroxine levels gives them.My treatment plan of acupuncture(beginning of week) , yoga class (mid week), reflex (end of week) and array of nutritional supplements n caffeine free days seems to be paying emotinal state is better but i do feel soo tired and sleeping is still an issue even without Chella's snoring bless him!I'm going to try to adress it as i need to feel rested over the next few days as i've a full 4 days at work to survive next week and it is as it always is!


Gee Whizzz i got through the week but boy did i need the reduced hours.I spent my half day in bed and arted a little on my latest pages that i kinda love a lot at the moment (and Effy at Wild Precious featured my pag too which meant the world someone else liked them too!).Most of my journalling has been just pouring out where i am at into my little concertina bound album ...which i've loved doing but it has been more about processing stuff and affirming my next steps...arting them out makes them quite real for me if they sit inside then they kinda stay there and the feeling of stuckness accumulates! I perused Adolie Day's beautiful illustrations and felt inspired to start to draw and then paint and my 'trio of thought' evolved..the pattern of 3 comes up quite a bit and i feel a real satisfaction and balance acknowledging three perspectives to 'things' i can't really explain it but i'll explore it's significance for me over time i'm sure(perhaps it's child, adolescent and adult, or a sort of 'innocence/wonder', soul and spirit).So i've still to complete my pages and I suspect there are no words to go on these pages..this journal is particularly word free there's only one page with words on so far!some ponderings are scribbled on the page but they don't seem to need words they feel expressive in there own right ...and i've 'My Life Sparkles and is Magic concertina album' full of ramblings behind the flaps on each page.... perhaps it all in there!

Thursday, 27 October 2011

just chillin'

I have chilled all week and am a little tired but enjoying Ed Sheeran's new track...soo want his album it is going on my christmas list ! ....

Sunday, 23 October 2011

Preparing for the onslaught!

O.K after a week of vitamins and complemetary therapies i'm trying to address work with revisiting my psychological awareness!...i've always felt i am a pretty good judge of myself and pretty self aware...although this does not make things any easier for me when surrounded by everchanging chaos, conflict and deadlines..or lessen the stress in times of poor health However, i've been scooting around the personality and group dynamics quizzes and there's nothing new here i dooo know myself ...

'Your preferred leadership style is probably as a participative leader. Participative leaders achieve through people, through team work, and through collective involvement in the task. Participative leadership involves building collective ownership and commitment within the group. Participative leaders make people feel valued as an integral part of the team so that everyone achieves the goals through relationships and cooperative teamwork.'
..yep that is me...

My challenge .....
One of the challenges of leadership is finding the right balance between meeting your own preference needs and the needs of the situation. Too much emphasis on the former can lead to poor performance. Too much emphasis on the latter can lead to stress and executive burnout.....well i am pretty sure i fall into the later category hello there stress and burn out! are not friends just aquaintances that keep bobbing up for a feast!

Career Score
Nursing 76%
Training 75%
Teaching 70%
Yes I do all these things in my present role..... and am a nurse!
so this quizz made me an ENFJ wheras answering the next one around personality made me an INFJ... a moderately expressed introvert

moderately expressed intuitive personality

moderately expressed feeling personality

moderately expressed judging personality............. my carreer advice focuses around following a career path in counselling ...... so i could probably move closer toward this field in my career but my existing challenge is so how do I make it through work when bombarded by the energies and behaviours of stressed extroverts....a little but unsympathetic voice says YOU JUST HAVE TO MANAGE IT ! So manage it i will..... with the support of the universe and some practical strategies for self care.

Tuesday, 18 October 2011

zoning out with my son!

o.k have given up on making tea, on thinking and trying to plan ...zoning out while Mel flicks through all the various music channels is as good as it gets today...liked these two tunes.x

Loving and supporting myself!

I had some unbearable energy and emotional dips Sunday and early Monday ...and my rational brain told me this is not YOU....I felt soo desperate and quite emotional at the fact this brain fog and moodyness was not moving..even after an amazingly chilled,good time with some loved friends and a massage on Saturday! honestly its a damn roller coaster ride up one minute down the next! Chella had guided me to The Wellness Centre in Leeds a couple of weeks ago... it offerred the opportunity for heavily discounted alternative therapies and the rest of Monday was then serendipitous as if the universe was answering my 'please help me out ' shout...i'm sooo grateful I had a pretty intense session of acupuncture...with a boost in energy levels which kind of interrupted my usual drowsy state and felt sooo positive.I've always been sooo anxious about the whole acupuncture scene i'm much more a REIKI sort of person but I was feeling brave after my 'Whoo whoo procedure' (after all having that done would have shot me into panic mode about 3 months ago but desperation brings about all sorts of courage !)I'm soo grateful to the tutor and students for the session and am returning next week ....I've thyroid friendly vitamins on order ( Vitamin D, 5HTP, CQ10 Enzyme,selenium ,B vits and selenium!)and am reading Dr Shames book Thyroid Mind Power...after surrender comes the emergence of a plan this is the way it is for me ...i have to return to work on Monday and face the stormy waters and relentless 'white horse waves' so need to fix the puncture in my bouyoncy aid to float(seafaring terms again!)

Wednesday, 12 October 2011

sitting with it ...........

Heyyy checking in with my unbridled empathy and why not have some unbridled empathy for still semi smiling.'whoo whoo' procedure over 'woop woop!' still tired and not quite sure of what it's all about not feeling up to returning to more stress as emotional melting down might just be round the corner...i've survived in pre meltdown mode for sooo long now and when working with other stressed folks it's just so hard for me to keep going ..their respond differently and soaking up other's frustrations and ego energies is just too much right now i just want to either fire it back at them or dissolve into a pool of tears...i just cannot do it anymore it burn out is it work related stress i'm certainly able to feel o.k outside of work it's just when in work my brain and legs are like jelly! in seafaring terms when i'm at work i'm hanging onto the bits of the shipwreck and there's no lifeboat in life jacket needs a puncture repair and i'm suffering from hyperthermia.... at home i'm warm in the light house,wrapped in a soft fluffy blanket sipping a hot drink....waiting on my relatives to take me to the place i belong!

lovin the new snow patrol song..............

Saturday, 8 October 2011

Art journalling... pages without words

I've three pages that i created and i'm struggling to complete them with words...
'Pollyanna' is the first page ....'Freedom'the second i think i'm going to have to accept they have names but not i'm gonna embellish them further and just enjoy them without thinking to hard about the words.

keep on ...keep on..

Yep keep on going... with surrender sitting very sweetly behind my eyes...if i surrender to my brain fog i'm a little scared i may never emerge again..My health is up and down like a yo yo and definitley gets worse with tiredness and stressors...i'm not sure where i am going from here and after another mini emotional melt down on friday i'm trying to pick up the pieces, brave taking a tiny dose of my thyroxine (which gives me the most unbearable pressure headaches at around day 3)cos without it i seem to dip massively now although with it i'm feeling aggitated and as if my head is going to explode ... so i'm waiting on my 'whoo whoo' procedure on Tuesday and have to surrender to more sick time just knowing i'm not doing myself, or others any favours dragging myself into work when i'm like this...caring for others needs when i'm so terribly needy myself is not working anymore...what is going on inside my body i do not know and i'm a little frightened this is it... this is how life is going to be for me forever...i've reseached thyroid probs a little, ordered a book so as to get some explanations for these bizarre mood swings and dips in energy levels..clutching at straws and hopeful that things will improve.

Thursday, 6 October 2011


I am in the driving seat and i sooo need to steer but someone took my wheel a long time ago! so here i am in the driving seat without a wheel to even steer with where do i start.....first things first i'm getting an idea of how it will feel when i get there and this is how it will feel when i move from a 3 to a 8 i'm holding on for that ! So gonna get some fight in my belly and be prepared to stand my ground for what i know will improve my life.................