Wednesday, 24 February 2016
Decisions made quickly today and I can close the door on oppressed and excluded moi and have an opportunity to create a satisfying resilience building experience in a different work place.5 years coming to a close in 2 weeks...what a relief the learning has been immense I'm ready for the 'next leg'. Tenderness acknowledged by few comrades today and the usual neutrality from the 'sea dogs' .... scratching at my ego but it's all open to perception... it will be over soon.
"The infinity of my soul lost in a whirlpool of thought but allowing myself to accept each feeling caress it and send it on its way....without a struggle I will emerge into the infinity of the night able to close my eyes on a reality that isn't mine..."
Night night sleep tight mind the bed bugs don't bite !
Sunday, 21 February 2016
....spending time with mum by the sea,baking, arting and crazy cat lady duties interrupted my blogging for a couple of days and I think that's pretty healthy...met up with Melu and Lucy last night it was so great to spend time with them...I can see his usual relaxed exterior and lip nibbling masking the inner turmoil about all he's got to get on with to complete his degree...I do feel for him and know it's all part of life ....trying to work stuff out and he's loved and supported so I hope a reminder of that encourages him....and you know we never stop having to 'work stuff out' for ourselves ... I'm doing it and sharing it cos well it's nice to put it out there to the universe with some energy laced with love and gratitude and acknowledging the dark times makes the lighter ones even brighter in my inner emotional landscape! ....I will savour our night with Mel for sometime .... it is a joy sharing time in the company of that lovely young man that I actually gave birth to.The fact that I had a small part in giving him life makes me feel grateful and soooo blessed...he turns 23 this week...and he's helped me grow as a person and become a better person... love you Mel.
Wednesday, 17 February 2016
Slept like a baby last night but still a lot of whirling thoughts...found myself behaving snappily reminded myself of my mum when she's a bit down...and I was instantly aware of it and gave myself a little 'stroke and then a push' to try to acknowledge there's some anger and anxiety around when I think or talk about work! .... went to yin it was nice ....a little more yoga please as I'm a long way away from peace of mind... have arted lots will post them here tomorrow. ..a little bit of mandala practice is needed so am returning to a first stage one and a little circle of self so that that lovely illuminative optimistic second stage might follow ....hoping sooooo loving and accepting it all as it passes....and it will pass 💜
Monday, 15 February 2016
O.k.so I indulge myself with non sleep journalling when I've the luxury of a non working day.Its also a bit spesh to blog it....which only do if im feelin that way out and I am at present! I've a sleep journal that my luvli buddy Pauli got me and I journal in it when I feel i can 'afford to' i.e. have the time the next day to sleep in or just do not have to function for the outside world and think I'm working through something I'm ready tooooo...otherwise I lie and deep breathe, do a little imaginative relaxation and doze in and out of sleep jolted by the odd nightmare into a day of grogginess. I occasionally manage to hide this with a smile (although this is becoming less of the norm!) or just try to avoid the taxing connections with extroverts , drama and loudness saving all I have got for clients and getting the job done with perhaps the odd paracetamol for the perpetual headache.I don't believe I'm the only one who has times like this in fact I know I'm not so its o.k. and is just a part of life....it's also a welcome relief considering every night was like this 3-4 years ago with palpations, panic lot if muscle aches and pains and a poorly thyroid..prior to that i spent a lot of years simply getting up and weeping whilst i journalled god i must have been so mentally distressed in those days ...I've come a long way and am eternally grateful for the mental resilience that has resulted from those experiences.What comes to mind is I'm missing kula it's like a little sanctuary and to be honest yoga elsewhere is fab but practicing at kula is like being 'home' it enables a connection to source , i only achieve everynow and again elsewhere...so Wednesday I'm booking Yin and i may even manage a sneaky class late p.m today although not over scheduling today day as haven't slept!.....after all I'm on holiday I can do these things...however i have to acknowledge it's proving hard to wind down completely..... am returning to mi journal to write a little ditty about a little darkness I've got in my heart...nice to share even better to move onwards n upwards so gotta sit in the 'darkness' for a bit 'love me and my sadness and my scars and my sweetness and the opportunity to just be'....
Saturday, 13 February 2016
Saturday, 6 February 2016
The blessed weekend is here....after a slightly out of sync week with a feverish kind of work hard and then push yourself to work harder mentality to it....mmmm recognise this and my 'addictive focus' sitting in a non useful place this week it doesnt serve me and I'm doubtful it serves others but it does feed a beast that I think is hardwired in fear....fear she's not good enough, fear that something bad will happen to someone if she doesn't work so hard, fear of sitting with other uncomfortable feelings involving others and perhaps what they might be thinking! Oh gosh what a strangeling I am .... a sort of Hogwarts Dobby ....beating myself up along the way ! Im smiling about this because i am dramatising it .... but what I allow my working life to do to me really needs addressing as this pattern of behaviour exacerbated by the good ole stress response is toooooo automatic and such a go to behaviour coming from shadow ...there was a time only a few years ago when i really wasn't aware of what it was and i'm grateful for the progress ive made in recognising it .I started to transform a frowning pencil drawn portrait into my moody green goddess with the monochromatic and psychedelic prompt from journal 52 this week.A few of my pencil portraits recently are nice moody sad ones ...I really like them The moody and sad part of me is also a layer of shadow in my 40's I felt a shift in accepting this rather beautiful layer of myself and started loving and caring about her! Instead of giving her a hard time or ignoring her all together...although shes not always for public consumption 'in full' I recognise her worth... she could be hiding a host of other demons and is the beauty of the bunch I think! Soooo my green goddess kind of represents my moody disposition.... oooh i do like her ....and im lucky I have folks in my life who know her, and love and accept her tooo .... im celebrating my moody green goddess...