Thursday, 24 February 2011

My Special Morning Pages

I am not good with morning pages..i've journalled for years but 'anytime pages is probably a better desription of what i can committ to and 'boy' i can write and i have books full of my scrawling and blurting over the years, some of it sad most of it very telling of my mindset and all of it very therapeutic.It isn't happenning so well for me in TAW though..i'm trying but not achieving the 10 mins a morning at the moment.However this morning here I am full of a cold, in my dressing gown knowing i'll be late for work doing my morning pages and sharing these because today is a very special day in my life and journey (and i couldn't get the day off i did try!)

Wow my son turns 18 years old today....i cannot believe it ...he would never know how totally integral he is to my LIFE how PRECIOUS he is and how emotional I feel about this .Right now it's about him.. becoming a young man and my letting go..but still having a relationship in which we care about each other and hopefully share some interests! He shares a love of football with his dad and well i can bake! and he is a kind boy behind a very macho exterior so he is helpful, loving and really good company (he has a wicked sense of humour ...i just love it)..Probably the best chats are in the always opens up a conversation when your driving him somewhere and in the teenage years it's been good to have this as most of the time he spends in his room on x box live! Yes Chel and I are the 'croanies' that really do not have much of an idea about anything ...the teenage ego is one to just be accepted but in between the hollaring to and from the the bedroom he has shared his pearls of wisdom and you know i have learnt such a lot from him.Long gone is the desperate hope i had... that i'd actually bare a child....sustain a pregnancy the pain isn't there anymore, the memory of it is a kind of deep empathic feeling, as if it were perhaps someone else.I still have pangs of fear around not being able to look out for him though... i remember to vividly him being wisked away and the consent forms being signed for his surgery..i remember looking at the cute little fellow with tubes and wires and those drowsy little eyes...when it came to holding time at the hospital i would sit there all day holding him i didn't want to put him down it's that feeling,that wanting to be close that now has changed into wanting and to knowing where he is or when he'll be back and my wanting to be around just incase there are any emergencies.He is kinda sensible behind the 'drink all you can' bravado ...i think ! and well i was comletely wild at his age so i think some of my fears are linked to knowing the ridiculous risks i exposed myself to at 18 but hey i'm here to tell the tale.I love him sooo much but it isn't a love that is easily's so unconditional and soooo profound words do not do it's the sort of love that takes a lifetime of doing, saying and showing to express and even in spirit will be there for eternity..i do know what love is it is 'this' feeling the feeling i have for my child the knowledge that i would forfit my own life for him...a little scarey and intense but i've thought about it and i've had too often the fear come surging back the fear of losing him ..although this of course has been highly unlikely ..he had another admission to hospital when 13 with an obstruction but wow he got on with it and knows what to look out for i think he learnt a lot about his health because of that...again i didn't leave his side i couldn't ..i massaged his feet patroled the parameters of his room it really took me back to the early days! some of the nures recognised me that was kinda nice i'd worked there for years but no amount of caring for other lovely poorly children kits you out for caring for your own and fearing that the unthinkable might happen...infact i don't think i was ever the same whe i went back to work so early after having my little mel....I went into efficient mode this time (it is the only think that sends me anywhere near efficient ...that feeling of needing to protect my child!) but my heart ached and i was all fluffed up in defensive mode to protect this wee man nothing else entered my blocked off mind ...that i must do whatever it took to get him better.. .Now this year he's going abroad with his mates ...oh my goodness ...i'm not thinking to hard about it he's a young man and i trust him he has a life to as you turn 18 Mel know you'll always be loved unconditionally for eternity. xxxxxxxxxxxxx

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