Saturday, 24 December 2016

"Not the worst Christmas I've ever had"

I found myself saying this too someone this week....I was caught  up in some drama and was sooooo confused....I didn't want to be in the drama triangle but I was and was aware I was....someone in our family is very seriously poorly and the situation behind it and around it is longstandingly complex and they've lost sooooo much and I love them ....there's feelings of guilt ,love, then blame of others and a lot of fear all sorts of feelings based on judging myself and others and not wanting to judge the poorly person in any way at all... 'rescuer 'in disguise as persecuter with a hint of  victim just for good measure!  strong emotions from what I know is my 'Shenpa' energy.... thankyou Pema Chondron! Today I woke up and looked out n mi back garden and thought I'm sooooo grateful I'm alive ...yesterday I was filled with good vibes after a week of struggling with the confusion of my emotions tugging and swirling I had a lovely last day at work ....I am amazed at people's gratitude for small things and an unexpected hug and a thankyou for listening from a colleague, kind words from a work buddy,a phone call from a grateful mum and the faces/good vibes of the children n mums as I dropped of the toys donated by charities swathed me in christmas spirit and made my heart do a little happy dance! I was quick to examine whether it was ego driven but I felt so bathed in other people's good energy it was their happiness and loveliness that made a glorious festive rainbow over my week.....
The haunting christmas spirit i believe is rooted in what I dramatically call the worst Christmas in my life .... and was as I entered my teenage years just before dad died...and Christmas has always filled me with sadness from that grief and anxiety around my not being good enough as I compare myself unfavourably to others especially on the Christmas dinner cooking front  (not like mum and my sister who 'seem to ' revel in the organising and the cooking department!)...Christmas day is just another day but it's people that matter and connection with them through kindness that fuels the feelgood vibe of Christmas time and we'll anytime really xxx

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