Recapping on the Journey.....

Had the most amazing walk yesterday which tired Chel and I out....the sun was out the air was fresh there wasn't a raindrop in sight ....water was high around the pond and fast running in all the little streams ...we're lucky because 3 miles in another direction the river has flooded it's banks and Kirkstall was under water! I selfishly didn't even think about this at the time and was more grateful for the feeling of wellness I have...a bit weak but  able to walk and get out of the house. This christmas I had a lurgy.. the 'toilet Kind'!  It was bloody awful and not eating for 5 days doesn't suit a 50 years young woman I would've got a buzz from that at 18 years old (that's was another phase now not worth recapping on)  but boy not now! Dioralyte cocktails were like nectar ...citrus flavour the best ....I've read Paulo Coelho The Alchemist and listened to the audible Philemena and am looking forward to another week of reading...since recovering more I prepped a new recycled journal for next year and another more dreamy delicate one and decided to keep a mood journal too (just fancied doing that although usually randomly reflect in this way in my sleep and nvc journal I thought I'd give it some focus in one journal for 2016...gosh I have book to draw and write in in every corner of my home I can sit still in....thst is heavenly ! I also arted a lot around the build up to the full moon on 25/12/15....that was nice and created some mandalas with each magicmoon drawing....now that was real flow time I loved it. During this time I did reflect on my feelings and my purpose and happiness levels as part of mapping out 2015's journey and my focus for 2016.I'm happy when not at work and know deep down I'm not happy at work... I think there are a lot of unhappy people at work I know because they constantly emmitt negativity. ..and I soak negativity up like a sponge I wish I didn't and I try all sorts of strategies to try to stop it getting to me but it seeps in eventually.I don't want to change job,I actually love the client work and it feels purposeful so that isnt on the cards.I do however wish to find my souls purpose and then retire early in 5 years.. .there needs to be to practical steps taken and a plan in order to do this.I do continue to learn a lot about myself ....I'm so full of flaws ( human heart flaws! ) I struggle to change them and accepting and surrendering to them is central to this years progress...its been kinda wearing trying to challenge and change them ...but especially painful in the work environment . A bit of fresh air ,yoga and time alone helps build resilience but only ameliorates the unhappiness I feel there with the people I work with and I'm sorry about that and wish I could change it ....but I cannot ....the best I can hope to do is simply manage the situation learn more about myself, examine my judgments, illuminate others judgemental attitudes, build personal resilience, prepare and explore my souls desires and dreams for the next part of my journey....a 5 year plan in the making.I need the universe's love and support sooooo very much and am holding my hands out to receive ....thank you universe.

Aad Guray Nameh - Snatam Kaur / EyedreamDesign artwork (series 1)

I could play this comforting mantra on repeat.... feel myself drift to a good place in my mind and body and forget I'm part of the uncomfortable vibrations I feel at work...guess that would defeat  the object of culturing peace within and being able to take it with you wherever you go in whatever you doooo....so I will try to get on track again as have misplaced my centre ....drawing some mandalas....going real real slow this weekend and lots of hugs this weekend has helped me to be in a slightly more insightful place and acknowledge the only drama that really exists is the drama I create in me.....thats what I've noticed when using a little observers consciousness...and I need to process some of the hurt i'm covering with my defensive outerwear but hey awareness is the a start to changing and managing myself.... embracing and accepting it or trying tooooo

Moving on.....

....letting it go and starting again this week ....slowly does it from an observers consciousness....plenty of self care to help buffer the exhausting effects of any drama....

self care includes:

Daily calming and grounding through some sacred practice like drawing a mandala, yoga or a mindful walk...my way of reconnecting to source.Work on cultivating a morning routine that might encourage more regular stretching and mindfulness. 

Venting and getting emotional space in my own way through perhaps,journaling,  creating part of artspread or walking briskly rather than mindfully to get things moving rather than festering in any non useful thought.Choosing who I might talk to and will listen and be grateful for any space they give me.

Sit with the emotion long enough to understand it acknowledge my needs others needs but be aware if the unpleasant impact on everyday functioning on dwelling on it too long it is not good for me to do this.

Be mindful of my physical health and that the ole ferratin levels are always very low..and take care of that thyriod....and body with lots of warm nutritious food home cooked one pots and nice baking made with love....a good 2 litres of fresh or warm water every day.

Lynne Forrest - Starting Gate Positions on Victim Triangle

Jack Savoretti Sweet hurt + Jack in a box

The Other Side of Love

I'm perusing you tube for some release of emotion!.......its a habit I'm not keen to return to but i thought id indulge myself this once in honour of Jack ! I really need to journal, write and art! not peruse but sometimes it's the beginning of a bit of release that start the ball rolling .......and our Jack well there's a tune for any mood or moment....I'm struggling with wholly accepting the human condition and my strong emotions as part of the human condition....Its the victim in me and others that really screws me up! now that's a journal page and a bit of poetry in the making.... at 50 yrs young I really recognize it and do not on most occasions react to it...but its been hard the last couple of weeks at work...good lord those dynamics aren't healthy but they are part of the human condition and need accepting!!!any way I'm up an off for a cold fresh walk and releasing all of that toxicity from my workplace ....

Arting and examining victim consciousness for the millionth time in my adulthood....

Autumn Butterfly......

Meandered through the park in my lunch break and sat down to breathe and soak up the season......the wind was carrying leaves in gusts and mini avalanches as I sat....the trees were all golden and the sun shone and there was a beautiful brown and red winged butterfly .....she could only be seen when the leaves settled as she didn't settle straight away but fluttered down onto a leaf lying on the floor.It  was only a moment before my attention flitted and I lost sight of her in the medley of leaves....but it was beautiful....The moment reminded me of how nice it is just to sit and be... and have the time to see something as beautiful in a quiet non active way....
This 50th year of mine has been amazing....I had the intention it would be a right of passage for me and did plan to experience an assortment of stuff....I am reminded I've been living at a pretty fast paced rate since my last blip and the amazing energy I've had....I ve achieved soo much and had such a lot of leave .... my cazzy soul feels healed but I don't want to forget what I'm learning on my journey.
-Being in better condition physically is essential for a sense of well being. Routines important to making it a part of every day life this includes strengthening mind and body through yoga and the aerobic zing from a little dance or run.
-Art is a fab way of loosing myself to flow time...so is yoga but my art is all mine and totally non judged and open to whatever I want to do.O.k I love making the odd thing for others but I love documenting my life with art and photos and processing difficult emotions with it ....Art + food + water = essentials of life.
-music is like a vitamin....the right type at the right time or just a dose at the right time is so mood boosting.. body energizing..and especially 'our Jack' as music that expresses a life journey or tells stories feeds my soul.
- work can be toxic...not those we support that feels like a working life with purpose...but the team dynamics, the deadlines and pace of change and uncertainty giving rise to all sorts of folks behaving in all sorts of ways! it can make me poorly emotionally and physically...and I must keep an eye on myself and practice self care.
-Adventures....at least one a year...although more this year... gives me a sense of confidence and a sense of acceptance of anything that comes my way. ..it also makes me aware of the patterns of behaviour I could do to change but also gives the option for just accepting them as shortcomings. ... (I've loads of those....).... hey little autumn butterfly thank you x