These are messy dark pages with wiggly and wordy contentand strange mandalas and dispersed fragmented bits of divine! I'd used some nvc principles to explore and start to process some difficult emotions that I'd sat with until I journalled about them last week in one of my 'free writers'..I'd questions about whether it was envy that made me feel cross and hard done by...it didn't really sit comfortably. I felt it was about something inside of me that I needed to acknowledge and it was useless to look at others ...despite wishing perhaps others might miraculously be a lot nicer! Although i have to say the situation changes like the tide and the sea and was a out gently lulling for a couple of days last week until I experienced my own 'storm in a teacup' on Friday! Anyway I decided it was 'a yearning ' rather than envy ... dabbling and questioning it helped me get there...I found Benne and Sheates dysfunctional team roles was illuminating and lead to my feeling less like taking things personally or thinking it was my responsibility to put it right in some way which was a relief! ..and of course I also saw myself in the dysfunction as the help seeker and felt very aware of the immobilising effect feeling helpless or in need of help and limited in how to satisfy that 'perceived need' is when it seems like a bottomless pit of helplessness! ....now there's a little more to that and I will explore it as I go more into the shadows as I believe it's only the tip if the iceberg... However for me its about working with it and finding some 'personal 'solutions' at a practical level as I need to function in this crazy environment for at least another 5 years ...so I will continue to take my lessons as they come .... understanding it and journalling about it helps it along and with lots of lovely yoga last week and some gorgeous music by snatam I found enough divine to get through!
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