This present moment..... of peace....

Gosh at last I'm in a peaceful environment away from the sensory overload and the 'jiggery pokery'..... no tv nobody else in the house just 'the girls' well me and my cat! Im beginning to sound a little reclusive! ... I do love the colorful tapestry of life and diversity of 'peopleness'.. but my reserves are low and the week has felt tiring .. I've had to give into my slow thought processes and my aching shoulders and back have been telling me a little self care is needed....emotional check in time: feelings of sadness and fear lurke beneath my everyday smile and get on with it facade... (such a lot of extremism around and my sensitive disposition is stirred by all this 'energy'😩)
Situations that have impacted on me: too much to dooooo, challenging cases lack of headspace and folks to talk to about it too....
Bit of anxiety around some higher risk stuff.. felt a bit alone but adequately assessed and it turned out o.k.
Bit upset that I'm going through a needy slightly overwhelmed spell and recognising some old patterns and question whether i'm communicating as clearly with colleages as I need to to try to get support....bit scared support is not there and slipping back into that 'orrible' place in my head! But it's gonna pass.. its just these feelings right now that are hard to deal with... Ive got my dislike of 'judge wudgy ' and 'Un compassionate' colleagues filter on which nearly lead me to taking stuff personally today.... I'm stressed and only human and who knows what filters are in play...I'm too exhausted to analyse tonight! self care ..self care ...self care my wee body is shouting at me and it's voice is loud and clear...
O.k universe I know i attract these situations until i learn to deal with them so here I start ........
Gratitude for:
A bit of a laugh😁
A bit of reciprocal 'gosh Im worn out with a lovely student'😅
A wistful smile and some empathy from those around me when I was a bit anxious'...😅
The keeping you safe  communications and overall trust in colleagues 😅
My knowing I don't own any 'annoying😡 unless I'm the one being annoyed... and I'm not annoyed..my colleague has a story behind her behaviour and I have my filters to be aware of.😝
The instant relief of sharing verbally and feeling a bit of support with few pieces of work.
Me getting to the study day today...despite my worrying i might not..😣😆
Me leaving the work that needs doing until I've got the headspace and that's not tonight😓😪
The lovely acupuncture and massage on my day off.😙
The lovely neck pull Julia gave me in yoga ...I'm so grateful and can't thank you enough without feeling teary and even more emotional😙
Some lovely interactions with clients and a confidence that there's purpose in this life and so much hope for the human race ☺
MY BRAIN LIKES POSITIVITY AND GRATITUDE....just gotta hunt it out....I am blessed...and knackered!

People pleasing shadow

Soooo o.k. I've been pondering and possibly over thinking a few things around 'people pleasing' ! I've been trying to explore all that sits in my shadow around this...initially I felt a bit confused ....because I felt quite distressed about my automatic thinking that others will always take advantage of me because of my inherent softer nature and this was just something I'd have to accept and keep walking away from when I had to for self preservation!...My authentic self is a quirky quite gentle person with a bit of a childlike lustre and others often do not 'get me' and feel very able to tell me so ...which I guess could be viewed as a positive thing as they can simply be their authentic selves in feeling free to express their truth to me and if course truth can change moment to moment day to day month to month year to year !... just sometimes I find this a bit upsetting cos i take it personally and so up she pops ....hey 'little people pleaser hi  n how yer doin' 😕 but am working on it....boundaries and self care are a must.The trigger to look a little deeper into this recently came when someone I like and 'looked up' to described  me as 'nicely naive' or was 'naively nice'.... anyway it doesn't matter now cos that was what they wanted to say and it's not mine to own ....but it did trigger me and I sat with it for a while  it seemed the main issue was that in the discussion she highlighted some people would simply 'not like me' or that aspect of me would get on their nerves 😒😡...a bitter pill to swallow for 'my people pleaser'.
Anyway on the useful side ...it got some self enquiry going and my actually understanding it a bit more about where my 'little people pleaser' came from (..although ive a hard time understanding the manipulative side to it as Ive always been like this and it doesnt seem to have the required effect ! A bit more time with that one I think.....)
Hey little people pleaser this could be where you were nurtured....
My past: parenting based on being good and nice and to care for sibling/others and not rock the boat due to a parent's chronic illness = automatic thinking that being accepted is based on conditional love with a life long dash of low self esteem😐
My experiences of a volatile parent with a degenerative brain disorder who died when I was a teenager (when I had actually had started to assert myself!) And the loss of my amazing male role model granpa who took his own life shortly after I spread my wings and moved away from home = an idea that actually asserting myself and leading any sort of totally independant life may have disasterous consequences which is something i've grown to know is not truth😀 =  I can see were my fear of the consequences of being anything other than pleasing others came from not to mention my immediate guilt when something bad happens! Alongside more issues around abandonment and grief but too complex to write down 😁( my head is often a shed dealing with thoughts around that!)
The emotional memories of being physically and emotionally abused are very vivid and real and can re emerge  when triggered and this is exhausting to deal with if coming at me on a very regular basis.😣😢😳
AnD I MuST aDD i'M NoT tHe OnlY oNE dEAliNg wItH ThIS SorT Of StUfF  wHeN oUT ThErE In ThIS bEautIFully STrANgE LiTtLE wOrld I'M CoNStANtLY RuBbING ShOuLdERS WItH OThEr LOvELY HuMaN BeiNGS WhO HaVE tHeRE oWn ShADoWS AnD StUfF TtOoooo. .. the colorful tapestry of life eh? In day to day life i have this constant awareness that I and others are jostling along with our different ideas about ourselves,others and the world ...all these 'strange truths' phew I feel exhausted just thinking about it let alone carrying it and trying to be my authentic self in amongst it all everyday! There's some lyrics that come to mind from a Sara Barelles  ISLANDS ...'you must become an island'  a metaphorical island mmmm sounds so appealing and that's where i go when I'm arting and walking and doing yoga...been listening to lots of luvli tunes from Karima Francis 'Black' and the demo 'Only human' which I adore!, Lucy Rose, bit of Johnny legend, some soothing Snatam Kaur mantras and of course a bit of Jack ...
When I'm not listening to music I'm listening to the birds and the rustle of the wind in the trees mmm life's sweet it's my 'one life and I'm living it 'real'..the anxiety and all....the sun is shining and I'm scooting out now to flyer for kula (cos I wanna not to please anyone!) and get me some wee bedding plants... simple pleasures on my day off 😚
P.s. the people pleasing I do just because I'm kind doesn't count!!!!!

Marvellous May...

....ooh I love May...it breathes freshness and sunshine into the year...we usually get at least a few days of sunshine and everything is blossoming outdoors...wherever you walk you can't get away from that and I love it...it's seem easier to see the bursts of goodness that balances the blips and challenges in life.. instead if being carried off by the 'raw energy surges' that i think are often around in everday life with a little lovely hatha /yin yoga and all the other balancing and groundjng 'stuff' im so grateful for i can pull myself back ito the peaceful present.. where feelings pass through my heart and thoughts glide over my head.A little shadow of mine tries to argue life has to be hard and feeling like this is a bit if a cop out.... mmm another page for the shadow journal...Arting with watercolors, which was on my list of wanna does for this year is enjoyable again the perfectionist and judmental shadow has an opinion on that but I like doing it...I sat out in the garden on soul art day and dabbled around with a couple of palates traditional watercolors and some 'cool ' caligraphy ones that are adorable colours.... mmmm  gently scrummy and unpredictable to play with those watercolors..a reminder that those qualities are such a beautiful part of life tooo.....

The stronger you become the gentler you will be

The slow pondering im doing around 'shadow" is liberating........some art around this has been useful in examining the 'bad ass bear' I love but have supressed for some years..she didn't consume me she just gave me the energy and courage to take a little risk..she was a little scarier when I was younger and could've  got me into some bother if she'd had to spill out and claw her way to escape that toxic environment she was shrieking at me to leave behind...but I recognised her and listened! It is also sooo refreshing to work somewhere else thats going through just as much change as my previous workplace but without the level of 'draining distress'...Something was going on for me and it won't go away I know I've some serious emotional triggers...  but taking responsibility for moving away from the toxicity I experienced from being exposed to those triggers daily has had a really positive impact on me..  i sometimes find myself wondering and even feeling a little frightened that there might be a drama and a little memory emerges of some of the distressing dynamics I experienced previously but then I'm amazed, relieved and sooo grateful when actually my fears dissolve and  individuals simply get on I dont find myself at the centre of the playground being circled by 'the popular gals' or feel I'm this massive problem that needs erasing!  tenseness is expressed honestly but disperses quickly..it's busy , more intense work with an added vulnerability factored in but the team dynamics are healthy for me at the moment....My move is working out better than I could have ever expected.Im fitting in a couple of different yoga classes after work I've never been able to do that before but it's becoming a routine...Yep another self care facet and resilience builder..'routine'.

Early riser?

Well a welcome early rise today... officially I don't think I can call it that as since the clocks went forward and because I'm on annual leave we've not gone to bed till midnight and risen before 9 a.m.....however today I had a nightmare about my old working place ...it was pretty emotional but distanced enough to not have my heart racing and adrenaline pumping or any real tears flowing and so I feel it was just the brain remnants of the distress I felt in response to the behaviours and games played out there and prob a bit of anxiety in play as I return to work next week ... I'm almost looking forward to it as it's my new work place but its a given there'll be frustrations.I keep feeling a bit sad that I've not received any invite to a lovely ladies retirement night out but and I am convincing myself there are other more compassionate reasons for my not being invited and dwelling less on the thoughts it's because 'they all hate me' ..as I'm aware I am partial to 'a bit of victim'...instead I'm focusing on how useful it is to have taken responsibility and how this is having a ripple effect on other areas in my life stimulating change, a capacity for joy and true friendships.I've had some lovely long walks an especially nice one with a good buddy yesterday, ive been to yoga, been decluttering, chatting and just being with Chel and Mel ...not wearing anything on my face or bothering with what i look like, i start good old belly dancing again tonight and am enjoyjng a great balance between doing and just being...ive some art i love that i started and i"m taking mum and aunt j to the coast tomoz  so although ive still sad feelings and a few non useful thoughts hanging around the facts are 'gratitude' and 'self forgiveness' are such useful and certainly a better pair of spectacles to see my beautiful life through.. so viva gratitude and self forgiveness 😀
P.s. must get back into my morning pages

A time of transition

Such a time of transition for all in my lovely small family....the past week or so has been so busy...I moved jobs Chella was made redundant after being under the threat of it for very long time...Mel finishing uni soon has lots of exams and is moving and will have transition also.....I've done an internal examination of fear and anxiety in my journals .... it felt a bit like overkill and some of my thoughts have reflected fear and anxiety and also a new shadow that I will call pride ...yes I think its pride or a sort of hardwired perceived need to be liked by others and included in things but do you know all the non useful thoughts around this are I think why I FEAR.. it's one if the things I need to overcome and I'm getting there and it s gotta be an essential on the journey to greater resilience and freedom.... With  lots of breath work in my yoga, exercising and walking I've felt well prepared and able to cope with this busy almost out of control few weeks. A few bad habits trying to rear there heads as my wee hardwired subconscious attempts to cope with feeling anxious and some annual leave is just the ticket to make sense and try to slow down enough to mindfully 'feel' and examine my wee minds inner landscape.

Aww home....

Marvellous annual leave day today .... started my art journal pages inspired by journal 52 'pet hate' and 'what you love' .......what I love came easily and I started a spread around 'a radiant heart ' because I love a radiant heart it's a little human miracle....

"..... there's a moment in a peaceful and graceful state where deep  sadness and joy gently flows through my body in a safe quite beautiful way....the present can be seen in the light of the past but not 'because of it' and the future is delectably uncertain and that's OK ....the heart is radiant and open ...I love that this can happen it is one of life's miracles....oh I do love miracles..."

What I hate...oh gosh that's a bit harder... I hate my demons in that hardwired brain of mine... and the one at the front of my mind at the moment has been playing because I don't feel safe at work...so I hovered around what made me feel safe in my shadow journal and have to admit my disconnect and isolate myself defense strategy does not work....I can cope with feeling lonely and I quite like the solitude... but it's not a good coping strategy my introverted personality takes over and although it allows me to turn the volume down on negative energy, drama, and start to try to deal with my own emotions....9 times out of 10 I behave poorly and react from a place of anxiety, crossness and misunderstanding and that's what I did yesterday...but I can forgive myself a little easier than I used to do... so what is it I hate....perhaps it's drama,mind games and my anxiety yes that what I hate! I've explored fear and feeling safe in my shadow and dream journal....I think anxiety is my next 'date' gotta be friends with it but not wanting to marry it!
....only 4 working days to go before my fresh start...I did it I survived 5 whole years of drama, stress,  mind games various strong personalities and health probe n confidence issues..I can survive another 5 before I retire somewhere else....that's for sure ...I'm celebrating that self forgiveness its part if my self love x